


Buddy, You and I

by HolyCoconut



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Awkward Conversations, Awkward Flirting, Borderline Personality Disorder, Cutting, Dirty thoughts tho, Eating Disorders, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, M/M, Misgendering, Panic Attacks, Sensory Sensitivity, This is gonna be in parts, Transphobia, Triggers, and slight mentioning of it, kittens!!, no smut for a while
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-03-03 18:51:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 27
Words: 29,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13347345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HolyCoconut/pseuds/HolyCoconut
Summary: I am completely lacking in motivation for this fic :( I’m sorry to say I won’t be completing this, and I probably won’t pick it back up. I may write a story from when they meet Jared but I feel like I’m not doing Evan and Connor any justice. Especially Connor and his BPD. I’ve made him too soft and Evan not anxious enough for someone with GAD so, I won’t finish this. I may also write shorts from this verse, but I’m not really sure of that. Multichaptered fics make it really hard to stay organized and it’s difficult to update when I keep going back and forth between chapters!! :(Sorry- Evan





	1. Anxiety and A bad start

Violet anxiously gripped her backpack straps and scanned the front of the school. Her mom had been... very enthusiastic this morning and hugged her daughter extremely tightly.  
Violet couldn’t say she was excited. High school is not going to be ‘fun.’

Especially without anyone to talk to... 

A group of nicely dressed (very pretty) girls stroll into school talking about the new teachers. Violet watches them and then looks down at herself.  
She’s wearing an old black skirt she used for middle school Mocktrial, her ridiculous beige Uggs, and her moms blue shirt that slips too far down her shoulders. Maybe it’d fit better if her chest was a little bigger. Or if she had a bra.  
Oh god what if someone noticed she didn’t have a bra and started making fun of her? Or worse?  
What would be worse than humiliation?  
Violet starts to slowly walk into the school with the slip of paper crunched in her fist.  
It contains her locker number and class schedule.

While she’s walking she bumps into someone and stumbles back and falls onto the floor.  
“Watch where you’re going slut.” The boy hisses and Violet pulls down her skirt, the situation catching up to her.  
“I’m s-so, uh I’m so sorry, I didn’t I didn’t mean-“  
“Are you gonna cry?” He asks with something odd sparkling in his eyes and Violet shakes her head hard.  
“N-no, no no I-“  
He rolls his eyes and steps around her, mumbling ‘Freshman’ beneath his breath with an exasperated tone.  
‘I’m a Sophomore...’  
Violet gets up, accidentally scraping one of her palms in the process, and hastily makes her way to locker 436.

It feels like electricity is buzzing beneath her skin, and she notices an extremely large group of people loitering/sitting around her locker area. Oh god please please please don’t be in front of mine,  
Violet awkwardly shuffles up when her  
eyes land on the girl sitting against her locker.  
“I- um... I, could you, could you move that’s my locker...” Violet trails off awkwardly and then the girl looks up with her gorgeous brown eyes and her heart skips a beat.  
-hOly SHiT iM gAY-  
“pretty,” She says quietly and the girl smiles.  
“You’re too sweet, is this your locker?” She asks and stands, moving out of Violet’s way as she carefully places all of her things inside, pinning up her schedule with a magnet, and taking the binder for her first class.  
“T-thank you.” Violet says quietly and the older girl ruffles her hair fondly.  
“Don’t get into trouble now.” She says and Violet nods awkwardly. 

She’s ushered back outside to the ‘quad’ and chooses the cleanest table, which isn’t saying much, to sit at. Because of the skirt, she has to fold her legs awkwardly, and Violet spends the next fifteen minutes thumbing through her notebook.  
Tips from her mom are written in loopy dark purple writing and they all revolve around socializing and studying. Apparently Sophomore year is the most stressful.  
Violet checks off, ‘Keep a tidy locker’ and waits for the first bell to ring. She scans further down the list, ‘Talk to at least five people today! ❁’ That girl earlier counted right? Yeah yeah that counts,  
She puts a tally next to it, trying not to make the page too messy with pen markings.

The bell rings loudly and Violet walks to her first class, Chemistry. Shouldn’t be too hard, last year they went a little over into Chemistry because they were running out of things to teach. She’d be fine for the next two semesters at the very least.  
Her seat is right in the front and the person behind her is some bored boy with a bowl cut.  
He looks up at her weirdly, and she carefully sits down, adjusting her skirt and pulling a stray hair off her stockings.

Then she arranges her pens and books in an effort to calm down. It doesn’t really help but at least she won’t have to struggle to find anything. The teacher starts telling them what they’ll need for the school year the second the bell rings and then she’s passing out the syllabus.  
Violet meets eyes with a girl across the room, who seemed to be staring for a while. Violet blushes and immediately recognizes Alana. She was president of the Environment club last year.  
She waves and then Alana’s face breaks into a huge grin.

After class Alana immediately approaches and starts to walk beside Violet step for step.  
“How was your summer Violet?” She asks and Violet flushes, tugging her books closer.  
“I-It was, It was okay,” She stutters out and Alana starts to ramble about what she did, as per usual. She’s nice, but can’t seem to stop talking. At least... that’s what Violet thinks.


	2. Closeness and Chemistry ‘accidents’

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s the first day of Sophomore year and Connor’s already certain it will be hell. His mom forced another family breakfast, All the rumors about him in school go directly to Zoe, his father gave up, and he’s scared a total of (8) eight people in Chemistry. And it only got worse from there.

Connor wakes up with a pounding headache, and he gets up pulling at his hair lightly.  
“Mother fuck.” Connor mutters to himself and there’s a yell from downstairs.  
“Connor! It’s time for breakfast!”  
Connor flops backward and idly scratches his leg. He’s not ready for school. Or anything in general, really.  
He gets up and cracks his back, pulling the blankets with him as he walks.  
Despite having absolutely no privacy at home, Connor refuses to wear clothes when he sleeps.  
Connor pulls on a grey plaid shirt and slowly buttons it all the way to the collar. He takes a heavy jacket off the floor and shrugs it on, pulling some black pants on as well and ignoring the way it scrapes his dick. Boxers don’t matter, it’s not like he’s actually going to school. The comforter and sheets get dropped to the floor carelessly in a ball.

Connor runs a hand through his hair, patting the back down with gel and making sure it doesn’t stick up anywhere.  
God fuck this, short hair is such a hassle.

Longer hair is probably easier. He could just tie it up in a bun and then he’d be out the door. If he ever left his room that is.

Connor cracks his knuckles and his neck before starting to make his way downstairs.  
“Connor!- Oh! You’re here.” Cynthia smiles weakly and herds him into his seat at the dining table. Connor lets her sit him down then shrugs his shoulders away from her hands.  
“Right.” She mutters softly and curls back trying not to look too upset.

Connor’s head feels like its buzzing and his thoughts overlap each other, drowning Zoe and Larry out with white noise.  
“Are you high?” Cynthia asks him and Connor glares darkly.

This is going to be a fun fucking year.

Zoe and him stand awkwardly at the bus stop and he can feel her eyes burning into him.  
“You’re a sophomore. Why don’t you have your license.” Zoe states more than asks and Connor clenches his jaw shut.  
_Don’t yell at her she’s just asking a question._  
She’s being a bitch!  
“Maybe I wanted to wait.” Connor bites out and Zoe rolls her eyes.  
“You like waiting for everything.” Zoe says softly and Connor doesn’t know what she’s implying but it makes his skin boil.  
He clenches his fists.  
_Why are you so upset?_  
I don’t know I don’t know!  
“At least I’m not a pouty little bitch with no friends.” Connor growls just as the bus makes it’s way down the street.  
Zoe makes a face like she’s been slapped and she immediately steps into the bus, as close in the front as she can get.

Connor sits in the back and glares out the window as he makes his way to school.  
He shuts his eyes and keeps his head turned toward the window.  
“Hey Murphy!” A boy exclaims and takes a seat right up close and personal with him.  
_Hi, can you not touch me? My skin feels like it’s on fire and if I get scraped I will literally combust._  
“Why’re you looking so glum? Did your boyfriend break up with you over the summer?” He asks with a shark like grin and Connor edges away from his shoulder with a scowl.  
The bus feels unpleasant against him but it’s better than homophobic jock juice.  
“As a matter of fact yes.” Connor retorts dryly.

Connor couldn’t blame him.

The boy doesn’t falter and scoots closer.  
“Don’t touch me.” Connor hisses and he smirks and then his hand is on Connor’s leg and the hair on the back of his neck is prickling and he’s got goosebumps-  
Connor starts to shake and he shoves the kid harshly off of him into the path between the bus seats.  
“I bet that turned you on Freak!” The boy screeches and runs further up, sitting back with his friends.  
Connor’s skin prickles, like an unpleasant crawling feeling across his entire body and he pops in his earbuds and blasts music into his ears. Unfortunately, he has a few TAZ files in his phone, so on one of the softer ones he hears his name get thrown around a couple hundred times.

Connor skips his song.

Class is mind numbingly boring, and his lab partner keeps trying to make conversation.  
“Could you pass me the potassium permanganate?” Alana asks, putting a drop of copper II sulfate on a spot plate. Connor huffs and grabs the glass bottle taking some of the chemical out to give to her. What would happen if he put some on his hands?  
Alana snaps her head up.  
“Connor that stains skin.” She warns and Connor stares her in the eyes as he pours some of it on his arm.  
“Connor!” Alana shrieks and and grabs his arm, pulling it under the sink and rubs frantically at the liquid.  
The spot turns a brownish red soon after and his Chemistry teacher screams at him for two straight minutes.  
Connor can’t find it in him to care.

He gets sent to the nurses office. Then a rumor floats right to his baby sisters ears that he tried to kill himself by drinking one of the chemicals. He gets interrogated at the bus stop, Connor ends up denting the bus stop sign, and they both go home in poorly hidden tears.


	3. Letters and Self loathing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dear Violet Hansen,  
> Today was awful and here’s why. It consisted of an 8 hour long anxiety attack that wasn’t needed or appreciated. I don’t remember why it started. I locked myself in the bathroom and now my shoulders hurt. Everything hurts. I don’t want to go home because my mom will cry again but I don’t want to go to school because it terrifies me.  
> Sincerely, Your best and most dearest friend,  
> Me.

Every day is more stressful, waking up is more difficult and Violet feels like she’s drowning in projects and homework.  
“Time to get up!” Heidi calls and Vi curls up tighter in her cocoon of blankets.  
“Honey! I need to be at work by 7:30!” Heidi starts to sound a little more anxious and Violet rolls over, glancing at her alarm clock.  
Just in time.  
“Coming,” She says back and that makes her mom stop worrying as much. Violet drags herself out of bed and fluffs up the back of her hair, stretching her arms out a little and relishing in the dull ache. Mornings were easy. Her thoughts hadn’t caught up to her yet and while she was sleepy, she couldn’t have a care in the world. Problem is, time goes on and all mornings come to an end.  
Violet sleepily pulls on her sports bra and a random tee that probably isn’t clean enough. But who cares, it’s been a few months her teachers know her she’ll be fine.

Violet pulls up her khakis (the only pair of pants she owns) and takes too long to button them. She brushes her hair out a little and pulls a soft gray jacket on, finally stepping out of her room.  
“Mom do we have any bread?” She asks and Violet hears a cabinet open.  
“Remind me to buy some after work today,” Heidi says and Violet takes a deep breath. It’s okay, it’s just bread. Don’t freak out.  
When she arrives in the kitchen, Heidi gives her a kiss on the forehead.  
“Come on honey, we need to get going, did you take your meds?” Heidi says with a too hopeful smile and Violet grabs her bag, piling into the car with her mom. “Yeah.”

The car ride is a blur, and shortly after they leave they pull up to Violet’s school.  
Heidi gives her another kiss.  
“Have fun today!” She says with a smile and Violet smiles back with a weak chuckle.  
“I will.” She says awkwardly and Heidi gives her a thumbs up.  
Violet returns it and Heidi drives off, leaving her standing on the sidewalk staring at nothing.  
Someone snickers at her and she drops her hand, hurrying through the gates.  
Violet pulls her hair back out of her face and keeps her head down in the hall so no one gets mad at her.

Violet trained herself and created a schedule. To prevent social interaction during lunch and break, Violet sits in the way back of the library and reads until the next class. She puts all her books in her backpack, so her locker becomes useless. She cleans it out again, earning some odd looks.

Violet walks to class. Timing her strides. Everything had to be perfect. There’s no room for mistake this year.

Pain blooms in her shoulder and Violet falls to the floor. Wow second time this month! A tall lanky boy dressed in dark grays and black glares down at her bitterly.  
“Watch where you’re going bitch.” He bites out and Violet feels her ears start to burn.  
“I-I’m sor-“  
“Shut the fuck up!” He shouts and pulls her up by her shoulder. “Do you want to be pushed more than once?!?”

Violet feels the tears spill without her consent. He blanks and releases his grip on her arm, leaving red crescents in his wake.  
“Stay out of my way.” He says with a terrifyingly calm voice and stomps off. Violet is left to pick up the pieces by herself.  
The bell rings.  
She’s still sobbing.  
People crowd and walk every direction except toward her. 

She’s invisible.

...

Violet is locked in the bathroom alone. The red scratches on her arms bleed profusely, leaving sickening trails on her skin and the floor. She can’t bring herself to get up and clean it.

...

Dear Violet Hansen,  
Today was awful and here’s why. It consisted of an 8 hour long anxiety attack that wasn’t needed or appreciated. I don’t remember why it started. I locked myself in the bathroom and now my shoulders hurt. Everything hurts. I don’t want to go home because my mom will cry again but I don’t want to go to school because terrifies me.  
Sincerely, Your best and most dearest friend,  
Me.

Her therapist handled the letter delicately.  
“This all happened today?” Dr. Sherman asks quietly and Violet nods guiltily.  
“Are you sure you don’t remember what set you off?”  
“Yes.”  
“No one said anything to you?”  
_‘Stay out of my way.’_  
“No.”  
Dr. Sherman adjusts his glasses.  
“Do you have anything else you’d like to share?” He asks.  
“I feel sick with myself.”  
Violet refuses to explain.  
She’s diagnosed with depression on top of the anxiety and she tells her mom softly over dinner.

Her sobs echo to Violet’s room that night.

Violet doesn’t sleep. She pulls her pillow over her head and tries to hold in her own tears.  
_Look what you did. Your mom is crying because of you. It’d be better if you disappeared without a trace._


	4. Trust issues and Throwing up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW:  
> Verbal Abuse  
> Self Harm  
> Vomit

Connor pulls at his button up shirt and and zones out during Geometry. His head is buzzing and he can’t help but scratch lightly at his wrists.  
His skin starts to itch and he scratches harder, feeling the warmth rise in his irritated red skin.  
“Connor.” His math teacher is standing right by his desk and he blinks away from the window, the classroom coming into view. He instantly scowls upon hearing the laughter from his classmates and curls in.  
Her eyes flit down to his red wrist and she sighs.  
“Unless you want to fail this class, I suggest you pay attention.” She mutters and briefly rests a hand on his shoulder. Connor’s skin burns where she touches it and he jerks away harshly. Connor grabs his notebook and a pen.  
He starts to scribble randomly and tears through the paper.  
His chest gets tight and he feels like he’s on the verge of tears, his face gets hot and he squeezes his pen.  
_What’s wrong with me?!?_

Connor barely gets through the day.  
He screams at Zoe two more times, and he can’t remember what he said but she locked herself in her room.  
“Zoe please, I didn’t mean it.” Connor begs quietly from the hall and she doesn’t respond. “I didn’t mean to yell at you, I’m sorry.”  
“Please Zoe please I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Connor sobs and the door handle jingles, and Zoe opens it slowly.  
Connor scrambles to his feet and hugs her tightly, wrapping his arms around her back. Zoe hugs back hesitantly and Connor covers his face in her shoulder. He didn’t want to scare his little sister. Connor’s throat tries to close up as he sobs.  
“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” Connor cries and Zoe carefully pats his back.

Just like that, she forgives him. But Connor is too quick to break her trust.  
“Connor did you take my nail polish?”  
Connor’s head buzzes with white noise.  
“Why would I fucking do that?” Connor bites out aggressively and Zoe flinches.  
“I just... it’s not on my shelf.”  
“And so you decide to blame me?!?” Connor hisses and knocks a book off the desk. “Cause it’s always my fault huh?”  
Zoe runs to her room and he hears her press a chair up against her door.  
Connor follows, yelling at her about him always getting blamed and how she’s not perfect like she pretends to be.  
Zoe sobs until the sun rises up in the sky.

Connor’s mind is a blur the next three days. He’s sure he shoved someone, because he has a bruise on his shoulder, but he’s not sure who or when. It’s difficult to apologize for something you can’t remember, so Connor does nothing.  
He goes through his classes, he stops trying to reach out, and he continues to hurt people.  
“Connor... your counselor said it was dangerous to stop taking your medication.” Cynthia approaches him hesitantly and Connor tugs at the ends of his hair.  
“I don’t want to.” Connor says with a clenched jaw and Cynthia sits down on his bed beside him.  
“It could really hurt you if you don’t.” Cynthia begs quietly and Connor takes the bottle from his mother’s outstretched hand.  
He says nothing and she leaves quietly, not even leaving a crease in the bed. As if she was never here. He can already feel the oncoming headache and nausea that comes with the pill.  
Connor screws it open and swallows it dry, immediately regretting his decision. The pills taste horrible and they make Connor gag, leaning over the bed and preparing himself for the oncoming vomit.

Connor almost passes out while he’s scrubbing the floor with bleach and he has to open a window. Flower, his cat, pads over and rubs up against his leg. Connor reaches down and pets behind her ears. His heart swells at the purr and he sits down on the floor and picks her up, laying her on his chest.  
Flower mews and presses her nose against Connor’s. She sniffs for a second then settles back, pawing at Connor’s shirt. Connor gives her a small kiss on the forehead and Flower leans in, pressing her head into Connor’s neck.  
“If only you were a person.” Connor mutters and scratches her neck lightly, making her swivel and gnaw on his fingertip. “But then again, you piss in a box and you’ve seen me naked.”  
Flower mews and hops up onto Connor’s bed, pacing in a circle on Connor’s pillow.

Even if he lost control, he would never attack his cat. Worst comes to worst he’s bashing his head against a wall until his skull shatters. Flower makes another chirping meow sound and Connor sits up, pulling down his shirt.  
Meeoooooooorrroooowwww  
“Flower.” Connor scolds and she hisses. Connor gets up and grabs her, pressing obnoxious kisses into her neck until she squirms away.  
“That’s right bitch, suffer beneath my loving hands.” Connor coos and Flower swipes at his cheek, just barely missing.

Connor sleeps curled in a ball around her, her tail laying across his legs. Cynthia shuts the light off with a soft smile. She knew getting a cat would be a good idea.


	5. Bus stops and Breaking down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Violet has to take the bus and she comes across a pair of siblings arguing. Usually, she’d stay out of it. But the taller boy swings his arm back-

Violet’s alarm goes off too late.  
Her mom is already gone, parting with a reminder to eat breakfast on the fridge.  
Leaving Violet to scramble for the bus. She tugs on a dark red shirt and jeans hastily before sprinting out the door, running a couple blocks to the nearest bus stop.  
She’d prepared for this of course, knowing someday her only option would be taking the bus.  
And thank god she did.  
(She has a list of her stops and a map just in case)

The wooden bench and sign come into view, but Violet’s heart drops to her stomach when two people waiting do as well.  
They seem to be arguing about something, and then the taller one raises his fist and the shorter figure cowers and-

That’s the boy who shoved her the other day. Liquid fear pumps through her veins and without thinking she moves in front of the blow, getting hit in the chest.  
_**Fuck, that hurt.**_  
The boy’s anger waivers as Violet holds back tears.  
“What in the fresh hell-“  
“You shouldn’t be hitting people.” Violet gasps out and she can tell he knows he shouldn’t be.  
He looks wild. His hair is sticking up in every direction, his clothes are dirty and ripped...  
Like a caged animal.  
“I get that y-you, you feel like no one understands you b-but... Uh, violence against random people isn’t, and shouldn’t um, should never be, an option.” Tears are flowing freely now, and he must think she’s insane.

The bus pulls up.

He runs to the back frantically, trying to escape and Violet turns, expecting a seat alone when the girl from behind her grabs her sleeve.  
“Hey.” She breathes and Violet flushes, subtly looking her up and down. “Thank you.”  
They leave it at that and the girl, who Violet learned was Zoe, takes her hand and asks her to sit beside her on the bus.  
Zoe explains that she goes to the middle school two stops after and that she’s planning to go to their high school. She also says the boy is her brother, and she thinks he’s gone crazy.  
“We used to be so close…” She mutters and takes Violet’s hand, searching for comfort.  
They stop at her high school, Zoe gives her a tight hug and then she’s on campus, making her way to block one.  
It’s not long before she’s pulled in a room by her collar harshly.  
“That stunt you pulled this morning was really funny.” The boy growls and Violet’s eyes go wide.  
Same wild brown hair, same blue eyes, dirty jacket, and messenger bag. There’s no doubt that it’s him.  
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean-“  
“No really, what part of fucking stay out of it did you not understand!” His fist bangs against the wall by her head. “I don’t need your fucking counseling! I don’t need your help and I DON'T NEED YOU! NO ONE DOES BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST A WORTHLESS PIECE OF GARBAGE!” The boy screams until his voice is hoarse, but Violet slid to the ground soon after he punched the wall.  
Every time he screams, Violet whimpers.  
“I know.” She sobs and the boys face waivers again.  
“You know what?” He asks, fire still present in his voice.  
“I know I know I’m worthless I’m sorry for intervening I should die, no one would miss me, I know I know.” Violet’s shaking violently and the boy seems to deflate, hands floating in the air unsurely.

He balls them up into fists and starts to hiss to himself.  
“Fuck I did it again. Why do I keep-“  
He hisses beneath his breath.  
“What’s wrong with me?”  
He pulls back his arm and slams it against the wall again, bashing it in until his knuckle audibly pops and his blood is smeared across the wall.  
Violet grabs his wrist.  
“St-Stop.” She murmurs shakily and he flexes his hand awkwardly.  
Then Violet realizes he’s shaking too.  
She looks up and a stray tear drops to her forehead. He’s ugly crying. Snot and tears are running down his red flushed face and Violet gets up awkwardly.  
“How about uh... one of these?” She asks and opens her arms.

The brunette falls into them effortlessly and clutches to her red shirt.  
“No matter how hard I try all I do is hurt people,” He sobs and Violet runs her hand through his hair.  
She couldn’t console the boy, there was nothing she could say. He was too far gone.  
“Are you okay,” He asks with a sniffle and she swallows the lump in her throat.  
The bruise on her shoulder still stings and the one on her chest has been forming since the bus ride.  
“N-not really.” She murmurs and he looks up with watery eyes and puts his palm against her cheek.  
Violet stills and tries to quiet her breathing.  
“I’m sorry,” He whimpers and lays his face in her neck, completely exhausted.

“It’s okay...” she replies and his arms go limp as he starts to fall asleep.  
“Your name is..?” She asks and he blinks rapidly, trying to wake up slightly.  
“Connor.” He sniffles loudly again and Violet pets his hair, hearing a soft coo. His hair is matted and greasy, but Violet tries not to bring attention to it.  
How could this scared little kid hurt anyone?  
_Yet he did._  
He hurt Zoe on numerous occasions. And according to Zoe, she hadn’t provoked him.

 _He’s a monster_  
Connor snores quietly and Violet misses first and second period, trapped beneath the boy.  
_He’s exhausted._  
Violet actually ends up skipping most of the day until the door is opened on her.  
She falls backwards and Connor comes with her, looking up at the music teacher sheepishly.  
She scolds them, makes a huge scene, and tells them to go to the principal's office immediately.


	6. Exhaustion and Affection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The after math of getting caught, Connor makes a compromise with the principal and Violet sprints out as fast as she can.
> 
> ...
> 
> The phrase “Mornings are hard” Can mean a lot of things

She has to drag Connor, who is noticeably disheveled and looks more exhausted than before, yawning every few seconds. Connor grabs her hand and leans on her sleepily.  
“‘M sorry.” He mutters and the girl flushes, not replying.  
Connor’s mind is hazy with sleep, and he hasn’t fully caught wind as to what’s going on.  
He remembers her shaking him awake, and quiet laughter in the halls.  
People are still snickering but Connor’s too exhausted to ask why, simply leaning on her and letting her lead the way to... wherever they’re going.

They reach a door at the end of the hall and she drags him in, face getting redder by the minute.  
“Wha’s wrong?” Connor mutters and she doesn’t respond.  
Her fingers are twitching too much and she’s shaking a little bit. Did he say something wrong?

Connor jolts to reality. _Fuck that’s right, I scared the shit out of her before collapsing in her arms_ Connor flushes and tries to gently remove his hand from hers because, ew he’s not heterosexual, but she holds on tight. Connor looks around.  
“Why are we in the dean’s waiting room.” Connor whispers quietly in shock and she turns to Connor with a red face.  
“They thought we um... i-in that sep-separate room th-they thought we...”

 _Thought we what? Spit it out._  
She has a stutter dumbass.  
“Thoughtwehadsex.” She spits out hastily and Connor laughs.  
_Me? Straight?_  
The girl sputters.  
“You’re gay too?!”  
Connor stops and stares. He spoke out loud.  
“What do you mean ‘too’?” Connor mutters and she covers her ears with her blonde hair.  
“I’m a lesbian!” She squeaks and Connor snickers quietly.  
“Nice to see we’re on the same page.”

Two minutes later, they’re in the office trying to explain what went down.  
“We, um, Connor was mad at me and he uh, he got upset and-“  
Connor slaps his hand over her mouth.  
“We were taking a nap and didn’t hear the bell.” Connor says with a surprisingly steady voice and the dean narrows her eyes at them both.  
“That’s what happened?” She asks the... girl. _Fuck he doesn’t know her name._  
“Yeah... Sorry.” She mutters and Mrs. Bullock exhales through her nose.  
“Ms. Hansen, since this is your first offense, I’m not going to give you detention. Just don’t do anything like this again.”  
_Hansen_  
The girl runs out when she’s dismissed and then Mrs. Bullock turns to Connor with a stern expression.

“Connor. You know what I’m going to have to do right?”  
Connor’s blood goes cold and she pulls a yellow slip out of a drawer and takes out a blue pen. She writes out a couple standard warnings like usual and then she grabs her phone off the desk.  
“Wait no, I’m sure there’s another way-“ Connor panics and she sighs, setting the phone back down.  
“What other way is there Mr. Murphy?” She asks calmly, “This is far from the first time I’ve had you in here.”  
“I could um... I could clean up after school?” Connor asks and she sighs, putting the detention slip back in her desk.  
“This is the last time you get to do this. If I find you in here again, you’ll be suspended for two weeks.”  
She arranges some of her things with a soft sigh.  
“I want the cafeteria spotless.”

Connor spends hours scrubbing tables, mopping and organizing papers, plates, cups and throwing away trash. It’s 5:30 when he’s done, and Connor’s covered head to toe in dirt and soap suds.

He gets home and is immediately scolded by Larry and Cynthia for being out so late. (Cynthia looks genuinely angry which is a surprise).  
He takes it with a scowl and the second it’s over, Connor stomps upstairs and slams his bedroom door hard enough to shake the walls. Zoe’s music cut out the second he got home, so he’s left alone with his thoughts. And Flower. But she’s under the bed. She knows to keep her distance when he’s upset.  
After a couple hours of hair-tearing frustration, Flower hops up onto bed and carefully curls up in the crook of his neck. Connor pets her until she falls asleep, purring gently.  
“Good girl.” Connor mutters, pressing a kiss to her blondish fur. He keeps pressing gentle kisses until she swipes at his mouth with her paw.  
“Okay Okay, I get the message.” Connor whispers and leans away, checking the time on his phone.  
**2:00** glares at him from his screen and he quickly turns it off, the brightness hurting his eyes.

…

Connor doesn’t remember the last time he woke up on time. Cynthia is about to open her mouth to call him when he brushes past her, grabbing the Brita filter from the fridge and filling a glass.  
“Oh, you’re awake.” She says in surprise.  
“Mm.” He doesn’t remember when he fell asleep.  
“What do you want for breakfast?” She asks tiredly as she grabs a pan and the carton of eggs.  
“Not hungry.” Connor murmurs and sits down at the table, taking a sip every now and then from his glass.  
“Oh.” His mom murmurs and Connor pretends he doesn’t hear the pain in her voice. “Are you sure?”  
Connor swallows the lump in his throat.  
“Yeah.”  
She leaves it alone.  
“Did you take your meds today yet?” She asks and Connor shakes his head, taking another sip of his water.  
Cynthia grabs the bottle from the cabinet and sets it next to Connor with a hopeful look.  
Connor sighs and grabs it, unscrewing the cap and tapping one into his other hand.  
He swallows the pill and the comment about feeling less awful without it, with the rest of the water.  
His mother smiles widely and takes the bottle from him, putting it back in the cabinet next to her sleeping pills.  
Larry and Zoe come downstairs soon after and that’s when everything falls apart. Suddenly it’s a shouting match between Connor and Zoe, and he gets so angry he doesn’t know what to do with himself.  
He’s about to punch something, he’s seeing red, and suddenly he sees the blonde from before, standing in front of him.  
_“You shouldn’t be hitting people.”_ Hansen says with tears running down her face and Connor drops his hand.  
Everything rushes back. Zoe is cowering front of him. Larry stops shouting, and Cynthia sobs loudly.  
Connor shuts down.


	7. Appointments and Dissapointment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two days passed, and Connor had yet to show up at school since she last saw him. Maybe she imagined him? No that would be sad and Connor was way too complex to be an imaginary... friend? Enemy?

Violet is sitting in Dr. Sherman’s waiting room, anxiously tapping her foot while she holds a small styrofoam cup between her hands.  
She thought tea would calm her down.  
Oh, how wrong she was.  
 _Fucking idiot._  
Violet takes another sip of the sweetened tea anyway, and starts to tap her thighs together.

She’s called into his office a few minutes later, and by then the tea is gone and she picked at the styrofoam until it became a small pile in her hands. She dumps it in the trash on the way in and takes a seat on the couch across from him.  
“Good afternoon Violet.” He says with a smile and Violet waves.  
“Hi.”   
“How’s your day been so far?”  
Violet shrugs and picks at her cuticle.  
“It was... interesting.”  
Dr. Sherman takes that as it went well.  
“Do you have your letter for me?”  
“Yeah.” She mutters and pulls it out of her backpack, handing it over. Dr. Sherman reads it with confusion painted on his face.  
“Why were you called to the principal's office, if you don’t mind me asking?”  
Violet flushes.  
“I slept through my classes in the music room.” She says quietly and Dr. Sherman looks up in surprise.

“That isn’t like you. Have you been getting enough sleep?” He asks, jotting something down on a post it subtly.  
“Yeah I was just with a... friend.” Violet says the last part beneath her breath, but Dr. Sherman still hears it, smiling proudly.  
“You made a friend?”  
Violet nods.  
“Why didn’t you write about her in your letter?” He asks and Violet swallows awkwardly.  
“Well... um he was uh, really tired today and we just kinda um, hung out in the music room.” Her voice gets a little higher, and Dr. Sherman mistakes that for embarrassment.  
He smiles in a fake knowing way.  
“Don’t worry, I won’t tell your mom.” He says and flips to a new page, writing something else quickly.  
Violet flushes and pulls at her skirt.  
“N-no we, we aren’t dating.” Violet squeaks and her therapist smiles again.  
“Right.”

_I don’t like guys!_

Violet lets it go.   
The rest of her appointment goes smoothly (well as smooth as an appointment can go) and then she’s told to walk home safely.

What if she gets kidnapped? Her appointments aren’t in the best neighborhood...  
Would her mom miss her?  
Violet rubs at her left hip absentmindedly.  
 _Probably not. She wishes you were the miscarriage._   
Violet rubs her eyes and tries not to look crazy.  
What if she yells at her for not taking the bus again?  
Violet checks her watch,  
4:35.  
Mom is definitely not home yet, but soon she would be. Violet has 15 minutes to get home.  
So she sprints.

5:30  
Her mom apologizes for being late and gives Violet a kiss on the forehead.  
“Why are you so sweaty?” She asks with a laugh as she sets her grocery bags on the kitchen table.   
“Oh I haven’t taken a uh. Shower yet.” Violet mutters softly and Heidi smiles.  
She asks her to take a quick one before dinner and Violet practically sprints up the stairs, showering off the sweat and dirt.  
She shampoos and conditions her hair, fingers getting caught in the tangles.

For the first time, when she’s getting dressed, she doesn’t feel... comfortable. Right, in her body. It looks wrong.  
Violet adjusts her hair and lifts her chin, moving into different positions.  
 _It just looks wrong._  
Violet pulls her clothes back on quickly and averts her eyes from the mirror. She doesn’t look back.

Recently she’s been feeling, uncomfortable in her skin. But she assumed that something was wrong with her dosage. Turns out something is just wrong with her.   
She can’t look at herself in the mirror anymore because she feels fake and awful.  
Like she’s not passing for something. Like she’s not enough. She finds she feels the same way when she wears skirts.  
She throws them out.

That night when she lays in her bed, she tries to sleep, unable to when her mind gets going. _I hope Zoe’s okay... her brother doesn’t seem like he’s right in the head. What’s wrong with him? Does he have some intense version of anger issues?  
Did something happen to him?_

...

“Good morning Violet!” Alana greets and falls into step with her. “How were your first classes today?” She asks and Violet shrugs with a hesitant smile.  
“T-t-they w-were okay,”  
“Did you hear about Connor Murphy?” Alana interrupts quickly and Violet blinks a couple times.  
“I, what?”   
“He poured some chemicals on his arm two weeks ago and now he has a purple stain on his arm. Isn’t that weird? I’m his lab partner and,”  
Violet listens carefully, not wanting to be yelled at for not listening.  
“Hey Beck, the speed limit is 30 miles per hour take it down a notch!” Someone laughs and then a group of people snicker.  
Alana stops talking and flushes, inching a little closer to Violet, looking for protection or maybe reassurance.

 _I can hardly take care of myself... How can I be expected to take care of other people?_  
Violet lets her stay close anyway.  
Alana breaks off later to talk to someone else, albeit a little quieter and less excited.  
It’s weird seeing someone get crushed like that from an outside perspective. Is that what she looks like when she gets called out?  
Violet tries not to think about it.

Two days pass, and she has yet to see Connor. Maybe he got suspended? She doesn’t really know. All she knows is she sort of misses his presence. Though it’s wild and unpredictable, there’s something else deep beneath the surface. She doesn’t know if it’s good or it’s bad but Violet wants to know regardless.

_Curiosity killed the cat but satisfaction brought it back._


	8. Hurting and Hopeful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor chapter!  
> (Also a surprise POV at the end)  
> Connor gives in to his impulses too easily. He finds himself in New Jersey, 2 hours away from home with a twisted ankle.

He doesn’t know how he gets there.  
It’s 4:00 am, he’s at a park and he’s propped up against a tree. He doesn’t know what day it is either.  
Connor is somewhere in the middle of nowhere, his phone is dead, his hair is greasy, and he doesn’t know if it’s still Friday or if it’s Sunday. He’s not really sure.  
Connor gets up.

His foot snags on a root and twists, and Connor can hear the audible snap as it does. He falls to the floor again and his body thumps loudly, shaking the ground.  
Searing pain shoots up from his foot to the rest of his body and Connor collapses, hugging his leg to his body with poorly held in tears. Fuck never mind, they’re already running down his face.

First he was alone and now he has a broken ankle. He lays there in a puddle of hot tears until the sun is about to set, the pain not having gone down even a little bit.  
“Why me...” Connor cries softly and uses the tree to stand, careful to avoid any other roots or branches in the ground.  
He limps down the road until he reaches a gas station. The guy behind the counter winces in sympathy and immediately hands Connor the phone without him having to ask.  
Connor props himself up and dials the home phone, which gets picked up on the first ring.  
“Hello? Murphy Residence.” Cynthia asks worriedly though the phone and Connor clears his throat awkwardly.  
“Hi.” He says dumbly and there’s a clatter.  
“Connor?! Where are you I- Yes Larry it’s Connor, I, hold on I’m not done talking to him! Where have you been?” She asks and Connor blinks. Where has he been?  
“I have no idea. I’m in a gas station in the middle of nowhere and my foot is broken.” Connor says back quietly and Cynthia makes an odd sound that muffles the phone.  
“How? And what do you mean you have no idea? It’s been six days! We thought you went missing! I was so worried-“  
Six days?

Connor covers the phone.  
“What day is it?” He asks the cashier and he opens his phone.  
“Wednesday.”  
Fuck that’s right, He left Friday Morning.  
“I’ll catch a bus.” He cuts her off and Cynthia stops,  
“No you will not. I am on my way to get you right now.”  
Connor tells her what city he’s in and what hospital he should be at and starts to walk out when the cashier gently taps him on the shoulder.

“Listen kid, I don’t know what you’re going through right now, but I can’t let you walk to the hospital two miles away on a broken foot.” Connor sighs and follows the man to his car, who introduces himself as Paul and drives him all the way to the hospital, walking him in as well.  
He talks about his son, who Connor forgot the name of, and says he’s about to start high school in a couple months. He talks about his son a lot actually...  
Maybe it’s the only thing he has left?

Connor leaves it alone.  
He sits in the waiting room and after an hour, he gets checked up.  
The nurse smiles at him with pity and explains that it’s a sprain. She gives him a brace, and then Connor sits on the curb outside, waiting for Cynthia’s blue minivan to pull up.  
She does after an hour and a half and immediately hugs Connor tight, squeezing the air out of his lungs.  
“We were so worried.” Cynthia cries and Connor awkwardly returns the embrace.  
He’s helped into the car.

And again, his mood drops when he notices Zoe and Larry both in the car.  
Larry looks somewhat worried, not as much as a parent should be but at least there’s a bit of worry, and Zoe is glaring out the window, completely disinterested.  
_We used to be so close..._  
Connor crosses his arms in front of himself and stares out his window in a similar way, not noticing Cynthia’s sad eyes drifting between her children.

...

Connor returns to school on Thursday with a pair of crutches and a pair of thick knee high socks to wear under his brace.  
They’re just normal black ones, and it helps hide his foot, since he’s not allowed to wear his shoe. This happens in quick succession,  
* Someone slides their foot under his crutch  
* Connor falls to the ground hard  
* His ankle burns  
* People laugh  
* Connor picks a fight with the kid who did it after the bell rings  
* Two people hold him down

“Are you done yet?” Connor spits out bitterly and his abuser aims another kick at his already bruised side.  
“You wish Murphy.” He grabs Connor’s hair and pulls his head up to face him. “You made the wrong choice showing up again. From now on, your life will be a living hell.”  
Connor spits on his cheek and smirks despite the bruise beside his mouth.  
“Nice try, It already is.”  
He earns another slap and a punch to his ribs, making it hard to breathe.  
“Watch out dude you’ll kill him.” One of the other guys warns and Connor glares up at him.  
“Do it pussy.”

“Fucking kill me!”

...

The next day.

Connor answers his parents questions about where he was. Zoe accuses him of sneaking off to get high, and Connor stomps up to his room, planning to lock himself in.

Flower mews loudly, moving away from the door as he comes in, collapsing and stretching out.  
Connor lets himself soften.  
“Does someone wanna cuddle?” Connor asks and she meows again, batting at his chin with her paws. He struggles with his crutches but then she’s in his arms.  
Connor kisses her forehead and cradles her like a baby.

Golden blonde fur, grey eyes, two white front paws and a striped tail.  
“Such a cutie,” Connor muses and presses a kiss beneath her neck, making Flower shrink her face away.

Unbeknownst to him he left the door open and Zoe was watching from the hall. She watched this destructive monster, cradle a cat like a baby and kiss her head.  
Zoe knew deep down that he wasn’t always like this. That he didn’t always yell and scream and hit.

But she thought this part of him was destroyed. Maybe there was hope for her brother after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cameo of a character from another musical! See if you can guess which character(s) and what musical(s) they’re from


	9. Sunshine and Stress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _If you helped him maybe he wouldn’t be wincing every time he moves..._
> 
> I know I know! I’m sorry I was just scared!
> 
> _You weren’t scared when you blocked him from hitting Zoe._
> 
> I was terrified,
> 
> _Then why did you let it stop you this time?_

Connor arrives to school on Thursday and Violet refuses to approach, allowing herself to watch from afar. Like she always does.  
Connor’s got some sort of brace on his foot, so he didn’t break it but it looks twisted in a few places for sure.  
He fumbles with his crutches a couple times and Violet wants to reach out and help. Someone trips him and when she makes a move like she’s going to help him up, he snaps his head over to her with a dark glare.

Violet runs to class as soon as Connor starts screaming at the three guys. Guilt weighs her down for the rest of the day.  
Then she sees him again a class later, on his way to gym.  
He’s wearing the shorts and thin grey t shirt that’s required, and his crutches catch on the fabric, making it ride up.  
Dark purple and red bruises bloom across his sides like flowers, and Violet throws up in the bathroom, having to miss half a class.

_If you helped him maybe he wouldn’t be wincing every time he moves..._

I know I know! I’m sorry I was just scared!

_You weren’t scared when you blocked him from hitting Zoe._

I was terrified,

_Then why did you let it stop you this time?_

Her lunch is flushed away and she leans her sweaty forehead on the bathroom stall.  
“Maybe if you weren’t such a failure you could help people.” Violet murmurs dryly and rubs her eyes to combat the next wave of tears.  
Her face is red and puffy when she arrives at World History and no one notices, like usual. She takes her seat, she takes notes, she doodles in the margins and then stops paying attention altogether.  
“Violet could you answer question three for me?” Ms. Malijan asks and Violet blinks out of her haze.  
“I uh, what?”  
“See homies, that’s what happens when you don’t pay attention.” Her teacher says and points to the board.  
P. 170.  
Right, yeah. They were doing a warm up.

“I’ll come back to you when you have the answer okay?” She asks and Violet nods taking out a piece of paper and jotting down notes.  
Time drags on and then she’s at home on the couch, flipping through the channels without really reading the options.

A nature documentary pops up and Violet has to move a little further out of her blanket bundle to read the description.

‘Blah blah blah blah **deciduous trees** blah blah **rainforest** ’  
Violet zeros in on ‘trees’ and presses play, tugging another throw pillow to rest under her thigh. Bird noises and running water fills the room and Violet lets herself relax at the familiar sound.

...

Heidi gets home at 11:30, an early night for her, and drops her purse to the ground quietly, expecting her daughter is asleep.  
However the living room is lit up, and shines through to the hallway, lighting Heidi’s way.  
She carefully walks down without making noise.

There’s a huge pile of blankets on the couch, with a movie playing softly in the background. It’s a nature documentary, Violet’s favorite. Maybe she forgot to put the blankets away after she went to bed?  
The only light is coming from the tv and Heidi moves to pick up the blankets when she notices Violet nestled in the center, remote loosely clenched in her hand.  
Heidi smiles gratefully and sits down beside her, gently petting her hair down.  
Heidi chose her name.  
David had wanted to name her ‘Emma’ but Heidi loved the name Violet.  
After her son Jack failed to wake up, Heidi took control and it turned into a screaming match.  
That was probably the fight that started the descent of their marriage...

-  
“I WANT TO NAME MY BABIES, DAVID! YOU DON’T HAVE TO SUFFER LIKE THIS WHEN THEY LEAVE!”  
He got angry and threw Heidi to the ground, screaming loudly about his right as their father.  
“THEY’RE MY KIDS TOO HEIDI! YOU DIDN’T THINK I WAS DEVASTATED WHEN JACK DIED!?! I WANTED A SON!”

And then Violet was born. The light of her life. For a while, it worked out, but it soured as soon as Violet didn’t bond with him.  
-

Heidi tugs her blanket covered baby into her lap and rests her head on Violet’s.  
“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You’ll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away.”  
She hums the rest quietly.  
Violet recognizes the tune and rests her forehead in Heidi’s shoulder, softly murmuring beneath her breath.  
“You’ll always be my little girl.” Heidi murmurs gently at the end and Violet frowns softly, still tucked into her mothers embrace.

Heidi turns the tv off and sets her alarm for 5:30. She wraps another blanket around them and holds her daughter for a few more hours before falling asleep.

_When was the last time she had seen her awake?_

She knew picking up shifts and studying was important, but...  
Violet stirs in her sleep.  
She never gets to see her daughter anymore.


	10. Sensitivity and Singing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Dear God by XTC is my favorite song Oof)  
> -
> 
> Zoe is trying. Connor just doesn’t want to hurt her again.

Connor adjusts the brace quietly, wincing as he gets ready for bed.  
Before, at least Connor had the choice not to sleep. Now he just _can’t._  
His head hurts too much, constantly buzzing with white noise.  
_He doesn’t understand._  
He’s been taking his meds.  
Isn’t he supposed to be better now?

His ankle burns and Connor shakes Flower off. She likes to crawl under the covers and claw at his legs sometimes when she wants to play. Usually, Connor indulges her but right now? No fucking way.  
He pulls the covers off and grabs Flower by her middle. She mews and wraps around his arm, trying to kick with her feet.  
“No, I don’t want to play right now.” He says sternly and Flower recognizes his tone. She takes her teeth out of his arms, and untangles herself from him, offering a gentle lick to his hand in apology.  
Connor scratches behind her ear and she hops off the bed, padding over to the window sill.

His head hurts, it hurts it hurts it fucking hurts,

Connor drags his pillow over and covers both his ears in an attempt to drown out noise. He can still hear music and tv from downstairs, and the files ruffling Larry’s study, and the plates clinking in the kitchen.  
Connor screams.  
The sound echoes and he hears movement downstairs. The lights brighten, the fabric against him feels like sandpaper, and his own voice echoes and comes straight back, shattering his eardrums.

No one comes to get him.

It gets worse, he tries to count, hum, curl up in a ball.  
Nothing works, everything hurts.  
It’s so bad

Connor can’t breathe

...

He shows up to school again. Despite not wanting to. Breakfast had been awful.  
No one said anything. That was what scared him the most, the silence. The indifference of it all. Had they not heard him? Do they not care if he’s hurting or not?

Every sound still scrapes his ears like nails on a chalkboard. Zoe looks up to ask him something, but one look from Cynthia and she snaps her mouth shut.  
Connor and Zoe take the bus again.  
Hansen doesn’t show up.

Come to think of it Connor hasn’t seen her since they were with the dean. Maybe she’s been sick?  
Connor really wants another hug...  
He’s too touch starved.

Someone brushes past him and his skin feels like it’s been pulled the wrong way. Nevermind, touch is bad. Connor hisses and yells at the person, earning a few worried glances.  
Maybe he shouldn’t see her today. He’s not in good shape. Connor chuckles to himself, he’s never in good shape anymore though is he?

When was the last time he was happy? Fourth grade maybe?  
Third?  
“Yeesh,” Connor whispers softly to himself. He’s fifteen now, sixteen this June. Has he really not be happy since?  
Connor blinks back to reality. Right, he’s in the library because sound and light and touch hurts too much.

He should probably get that checked out. Maybe he’s dying?  
_God I hope so._  
Connor tries to ignore how easily he thought that and fails.

“Uh... is your leg, um okay?” A voice asks from behind.  
“Does it fucking look okay to you?” Connor asks back with a lot more bite than necessary.  
“S-sorry, I um, what did you do?” The voice, a she, asks and Connor exhales through his nose.  
“Tree root. I got stuck and it twisted.”  
Tense silence.  
“MindifIsitwithyou?” She blurts out and Connor spins to meet eyes with the blonde.  
“Hansen?” He asks and her face reddens.  
“Y-yep that’s uh that’s my name. Well last name anyway, not important,”  
“What did you say earlier?”  
“W-what did you do to your leg?” She offers quietly and Connor rolls his eyes.

“ _After that._ ” He specifies.  
Her blush spreads down to her neck.  
“I don’t know what you mean.”  
“It’s not hard, what are you stupid?”  
She tenses at the insult.  
“I-I, I uh-I as-s-asked if I c-c-c,” She gets frustrated with her stutter and Connor snickers.  
“S-s-spit it out H-H-Hansen,” He mocks and her blush deepens, turning her cheeks scarlet.  
“Y-You know what? Ne-Never mind.” She tightens her fingers on her backpack straps.  
She tries to leave and Connor grabs her arm as lightly as possible.  
“Answer my question.” 

“IwantedtositwithyoubecauseyouwerentmeantomebutIguessIthoughtwrong!” She spits out bitterly. Her arm is torn from Connor’s grasp as she runs out.

She wanted to sit with him?  
What kind of sick joke is that?

And it looks like Connor’s one chance at friendship with someone other than his cat ran out the door, literally and figuratively.  
Connor couldn’t be too upset. It happens far too often now.  
At least when he was younger he was worthy of making friends.

Now he has outbursts. Angry, sad, fiery explosions. There’s no exceptions either.

He has them during class, at home, on the bus, at the store, while he’s asleep, when he wakes up.  
You name it, he’s done it.  
The thing that sickens him is that _he’s getting used to it._  
It’s become the norm.

Connor takes the bus with Zoe. He doesn’t yell at her again. She sits a little closer to him on the bus. Connor watches her carefully.  
Hasn’t she got the message? He’s dangerous. He’ll hurt her.  
Zoe moves to the seat next to him.  
Connor decides not to talk to her.  
Zoe tries to make conversation,  
“Hey.” She murmurs and Connor huffs through his nose.  
“Hey.”  
“How was your day?” She asks and Connor swallows the lump in his throat.  
He misses his baby sister.  
“Okay.”  
He doesn’t ask her how her day was.  
Zoe doesn’t push it.

At least she keeps playing once he goes upstairs.  
“Dear god hope you get the letter and, I pray you can make it better down here. I don’t mean a big reduction in the price of beer. But all the people that you made in your... image.” Zoe coughs and tunes her guitar again.

Connor listens all the way through.  
It becomes one of his favorite songs.


	11. Disassociation and Decompressing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To: ZoZo  
> Feed my fucking cat, she craves sustenance
> 
> From: ZoZo  
> Y cant u do it??
> 
> To: ZoZo  
> I’m at a friend’s idiot. Can you please-
> 
> “Classy Hansen, reading my texts.”  
> Violet almost drops her plate, scrambling to apologize.

Violet doesn’t have it in her to be sad or scared.  
She just yelled at Connor Murphy for Christ’s sake!  
_And for what? Cause he made fun of you? Oh wow, you’re not used to that at all._

Violet runs to the bathroom. She curls up in the corner. And she waits.

Waits for the guilt. 

Waits for the crushing fear.

Waits for an attack, the loss of air, the gross tears, the scratching.

But it doesn’t come. She’s just numb now.

...

Violet blinks.

She’s alone in her house now. She doesn’t remember when she got home, how she got home, or what time it is.  
Needless to say, she’s terrified.  
And it gets worse when she realizes Connor Murphy is laying beside her.  
_Not so alone after all_

His untamed hair is held back with a small clip, he’s wearing Violet’s sweatpants that seem way too tight around the thighs, and he’s curled up in a ball, softly snoring.  
Violet assesses the situation.  
1\. She doesn’t remember how she got here  
2\. She doesn’t remember how _Connor_ got here  
3\. She doesn’t know why he’s wearing her clothes  
4\. Her house is empty, and it’s light out. Mom won’t be home for a couple hours.  
5\. The last conversation they had, Violet screamed at him.

Connor snuggles closer like he did in the music room, wincing when his foot shifts.  
How did they get from her yelling at him, to having him on her lap in a tired heap.  
There’s a few possibilities. She could’ve apologized or he did, or both of them did. He could’ve driven her home as an apology. Or he could’ve given her his number and came over. But the last one would imply a few days passed...

It’s hard to know what day it is when you dissociate.  
It could be the last day she remembers or two days from then. Time is confusing.

Violet gives up, massaging her temples in an effort to quell her oncoming migraine. She’ll ask Connor when they wake up. 

...

They both sleepily blink their eyes open in a darkish room. The sun is setting and Connor blearily rubs his eyes.  
“Oh hey,” Connor murmurs and Violet offers a small wave. She’s been up for a while. “Forgot I came over...” He yawns and then hisses again as he stretches. That brace must really suck...  
Didn’t he twist it on a tree? 

But he came over. That much she knows. So no apology/driving her home. It’s probably been a few days.  
“Uh, Why did you again?” Violet asks and Connor squints up at her.  
“You invited me over?” He mutters and pulls at Violet’s baggy t-shirt.  
“Why?”  
Connor scowls slightly.  
“I don’t remember... like anything since the library,”  
Connor’s frown softens and then saddens.  
“You don’t?”  
She shakes her head quietly.

“Alana found you in the bathroom freaking out. She asked what happened and then she brought you to me. And we just um.... talked about shit? Like why you were so angry and why I was such a dick... sorry about that by the way.”  
Violet huffs out a laugh. “No point apologizing if I already forgave you.”  
Connor doesn’t push why she forgot.  
And she’s sure there’s more to the story. Hopefully, he’ll tell her more later.

He doesn’t. 

They’re almost cuddling, nestled beneath the blankets. And they don’t watch anything. They just... talk. Which is honestly kind of surreal. Is this what friends do?

She’s beginning to learn that Connor has many sides.  
She’s seen the angry, giggly, sad, and scared parts of his personality. Violet knows there’s more. And it seems curiosity has finally gotten the better of her.

“Okay uhhh.... why’d the chicken cross the road?” Connor asks and Violet sighs.  
“Why?”  
“To get to the idiot’s house. Knock knock.”  
“Who’s... there?”  
“The chicken.”  
Connor bursts out laughing.  
He’s mumbling words like, classic and ‘I got you so good’ between laughs.  
Violet nervously joins in on the laughter.  
“Oh haha you got me.”

She can’t say she particularly likes this version of Connor Murphy. But then again how could she when she hardly knows him?

Connor rests his head on her shoulder.  
“Can I stay the night? I don’t really wanna go home.” Connor murmurs.  
And there he is again, Scared Connor.  
“I guess... I’ll have to call my mom.” Violet murmurs. Does her mom have a policy against guys sleeping over if he’s her only friend?

_Wow. Wait. Is Connor her friend?_

Heidi picks up on the first ring.  
“Hi honey! Is something up?” She asks and Violet clears her throat.  
“No nothing’s wrong. Um, would it be okay if my friend... Connie? Stayed the night?”  
Heidi makes an excited squeal when Connor quietly whispers “What the fuck.” In her direction.  
“Did you make a friend honey?”  
Violet swallows the lump in her throat.  
“Y-Yeah I did.”  
“I’m so proud of you! I want to meet her tonight! Has she asked her parents if she could stay over?”

Heidi excitedly chatters for another minute and then Violet sets her phone down.  
“First of all why the fuck am I a girl to your mom and Second let me make it clear that I am in no way asking my parents to stay the night.” Connor starts almost immediately.  
“Sorry it’s just... she might not have let you stay if you were a guy and uh? You kinda look like a girl. Even though you’re flat and your hair’s shortish, you have a heart shaped face and a um a smooth jawline which are considered feminine traits and okayimsorryillstop.”  
Violet heaves for breath.  
“Are you done?” Connor asks, unimpressed.  
“Yep-yeah I’m done.” 

“Listen, I’ll tell your mom Connie is my nickname and I’m actually a dude. Problem solved. If she doesn’t let me sleep over, I’m climbing through your window, so don’t test me.”

...

Turns out, Heidi is just delighted someone’s over.  
She fussed over his crutches and his foot, making Connor visibly nervous. Heidi explains that she’s a nurse and Connor lets her help adjust the wrap. (Which was apparently done incorrectly, and was why it hurt him so badly)  
She even hugs him which, surprisingly, he doesn’t inch away from, and she makes some microwaveable appetizers for them.  
“Don’t stay up too late and keep the door open!” She calls from her room and then the door shuts, leaving the two in a blanket bundle in front of Violet’s small old tv that her uncle gave her.  
“Wow.” Connor huffs and grabs a ravioli off his plate with his fingers. (That’s gonna have to change)  
“I know I’m sorry-“  
“Your mom is the fucking best.” Connor says after he swallows and Violet flushes.  
“Really? She’s not like... stifling?”  
Connor snorts.  
“Ha! You don’t know the meaning of the word.”  
Connor picks up his phone and Violet looks over his shoulder subtly, fork stuck between her teeth.

To: ZoZo  
Feed my fucking cat, she craves sustenance

From: ZoZo  
Y cant u do it??

To: ZoZo  
I’m at a friend’s idiot. Can you please-

“Classy Hansen, reading my texts.”  
Violet almost drops her plate, scrambling to apologize.


	12. Touch starved and Tired

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Violet? That’s her name?  
> Connor looks down at her and crinkles his nose.  
> Not fitting at all. He’d choose something shorter. Like Iris or Ella. Something more her style.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ((Connor’s POV of the last chapter))

Connor isn’t usually the dramatic type. He doesn’t overthink things. He doesn’t sit in corners and crack his knuckles until they hurt wondering why couldn’t have been kind to another person for once-  
Connor almost snaps his finger when he cracks it again.  
Maybe this happens often.

So what? It’s not like anyone cares if he hurts himself.

He stays in the corner of the library for another hour or so, constantly coming back to why he got so defensive. Why he had mocked her. Why he yells at Zoe. Why he breaks things, why he disappoints his parents, why he wants to stop but can’t find it in him to try-

The glass door bumps against the wall loudly.  
Alana’s hair is illuminated by the windows on the other side of the room, forming a halo above her head. She looks up and meets eyes with him.  
_I probably look like a mess-_

She’s got Hansen in her arms. The blonde is bleeding lightly on her upper arms, her eyes are blank, and she’s shuddering for breath.  
Alana is murmuring things to her, quietly whispering words of encouragement.  
Because that’s just like Alana, helping everyone and never having a reason.

 _Don’t you mean genuinely trying to be a good person?_  
You could say that.

Alana is walking towards him. Holding the blonde, who he still doesn’t know the first name of and who is probably having an attack of some sort.  
Alana sets Hansen down on the chair across from him.  
Connor gets up hesitantly.  
“You good?”  
“I’m sorry for being a burden, I’m sorry Lana you can go I’m sorry I’m sorry I didn’t mean to freak out at school,”  
Hansen rambles on.  
Connor turns to Alana, who is holding Hansen’s hands tightly, preventing her from scratching.  
“What happened?” Connor asks and Alana smiles weakly in greeting.  
“I found her in the bathroom. She was curled up in a ball and she kept sobbing for you... Took me a while to find you too.” Alana says quietly, shushing the blonde again. Hansen goes silent.  
“That’s it Violet, in.... hold.... out....” 

_Violet_

That’s her name?

Connor looks down at her and crinkles his nose.  
Not fitting at all. He’d choose something shorter. Like Iris or Ella. Something more her style.

Violet calms down, still breathing in way too fast. She looks away from Connor and Alana in embarrassment, but she’s immediately swept into a hug by Alana.  
“...so proud of you.” Connor catches at the end.  
Alana looks at them both.  
“You’ll be okay?”  
Violet nods and Connor shrugs. Alana leaves, mumbling to herself about a ‘creative something class.’

“I’m sorry.” Connor and Violet both say at the same time. Connor frowns in confusion.  
“Why the fuck are _you_ sorry? You’re not allowed to be sorry.”  
“No no you see cause I yelled at you, and now you’re mad cause I couldn’t handle teasing and you just had to deal with me and I’m sorry because I’m a burden and I can’t do anything right-“  
“Slow the fuck down.” Connor interrupts and then he stops her all together. “You know what? Whatever reason you have is probably bullshit because I’m the one who fucked everything up.”

Violet opens her mouth and Connor puts his finger over her lips. Which, is a little awkward but, he does it anyway.  
“Sh. I’m not done. I mocked you, punched you, shoved you, called you rude things, and yelled at you, for no reason at all. I would say that’s way more fucked up than you being sorry for existing.”

Violet mutters something softly.  
“I guess...”  
“So, I’m sorry for being a dick.” Connor adjusts the crutch beneath his right arm and hisses quietly.  
Fuck this why’d he have to run off to sleep under a tree miles away from home. Fuck this.  
“I’m sorry for yelling at you...” Violet offers quietly and God Connor Really Hates That Name It Does Not Suit Her At All.  
“Making fun of my name now too?” Violet asks quietly and then immediately snaps her jaws shut because she’s realized what she’d done.  
Connor starts giggling in shock.  
“Holy shit! Never thought you had it in you!”

The laughter echoes through the halls.  
Violet frantically shushes him.

“Could you come over today?” She asks as Connor’s packing up and he blinks.  
“I don’t have a ride and I dunno sorry.”  
You can ride this dick-

_No Connor, stop it she has a vagina. You know, those things you aren’t attracted to?_

“Sure... but I kinda uhh, take the bus. Like you do.”  
Violet flushes darkly and immediately reminds him of a strawberry. Even when she’s blushing her freckles stand out and fuck, they look so cute-

What’s wrong with him? Why is he analyzing her face?

“We could walk?” She squeaks and Connor shrugs, slinging his messenger bag over his shoulder. No one could carry it for him so he uses the arm that isn’t on the same side as his leg.  
Violet zeros in on it and grabs the strap from him, smacking him on the arm.  
“You are _not_ carrying that with your foot like this.” She scolds and wraps it around her, making it diagonal across her body.

“What’s your address?”

...

Connor wakes up early. He’s still snuggled with Violet, but now he’s under the covers of her bed with her.  
Which is weird. He shouldn’t be comfortable with this much... touching.  
Usually he hates it. _With a passion._  
But surprisingly, it’s not only bearable, but someone’s body near his actually feels _good._  
His body is warm and her skin is warm against his and he’s content beneath the covers.  
Do friends do this?

Probably not.

Does Connor care?

Fuck no.

He’s relishing in the contact. Unconscious him sleep cuddled her for a reason.  
Connor rests his head on top of hers. Her hair is soft but it tickles his nose and makes him sneeze.

Which is just, gross.

Jesus her thighs are huge. Does she do squats every day or something?  
_Put your hand on her thigh_

Connor recoils at his own thoughts.  
Be gone heterosexuality!


	13. Hand holding and Longer hair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To: Mom  
> Remember when I came out as a lesbian  
> I think I like guys too
> 
> Help

Two days pass. Connor starts sitting with her at lunch. (In the library because she’s terrified of the cafeteria)  
He asks to come over a lot. Like almost every day.  
Violet doesn’t push it.

It’s a sensitive topic.

-  
_”Stop fucking asking me that!” Connor’s hands ball up into fists._  
-

She doesn’t bring it up anymore.

But she has her suspicions...

-  
_”SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Connor screams at Zoe and she cowers slightly screaming back._  
-

So yes, Connor has been a little scary recently. But he’s a lot more... gentle with her. Very quiet and observant.  
He doesn’t touch her anymore which, confuses her because when she gently pats him on the arm or something, he leans into it. It’s a simple movement, tilting his head, shifting slightly, or turning in her direction.

 _How long has it been since someone hugged you?_  
She asked and he responded,  
“Too long.” With a short self deprecating chuckle.

Connor leans closer when Violet taps him and she smiles, pointing to a picture on her phone.  
“Ew you have an android?” Connor crinkles his nose and Violet shoves him gently, trying really hard to not actually hurt him.  
“What kind of phone do you have?” Violet asks, sticking her tongue out between her teeth in concentration.  
“iPhone.” Connor responds and Violet chuckles,  
“Th-those are s-such scams!” She tells him and Connor rolls his eyes, popping his ear bud back in.  
“Can’t hear you over my edge music.”

Violet usually decompresses at home, but she’s found even there she can’t relax. She’s comfortable with Connor, but constantly on edge that she might set him off.

Connor and Violet are chatting, when Connor says “Flower keeps chewing on my hair at night it’s really gross.”

Violet furrows her eyebrows. “Who’s Flower?”  
“My cat,” Connor responds somewhat defensively and Violet flushes.  
“I like that name. It’s cute, did you pick it?”  
Connor stiffens up more and pulls his jacket down to cover his stomach more.  
“Zoe picked it.” He mumbles and tugs at his hair gently.  
“That’s nice.” Violet says uncomfortably and Connor shrugs with a short hum, going back to drawing in the margins of his half assed homework. They’re actually really good and Violet can’t help but stare at his pen dragging along the lined paper to make a person. He is frowning on the page, with a scrunched up nose and broken oval glasses on his face. Violet almost wants to laugh, but before he’s finished, he moves onto another sketch in the corner.

That’s a good word to explain him.  
Connor Murphy is incomplete. Not broken, but he’s missing something. Something important. 

Connor seems to be thinking deeply and then he turns to Violet with somewhat sparkling eyes.  
“Do you want to skip class?” He asks quietly and Violet squeaks, slamming her book shut and looking around to see if anyone heard.  
“Are you crazy!” She whisper yells and Connor’s mouth pulls up into a smirk.  
“ _You have no idea._ ”

That’s how she finds herself walking beside Connor on the way to a fast food place.  
“Can’t wait until I get my license.” Connor huffs and Violet pulls her sleeves down to make mittens. They’re nearing winter, and every day it gets a little colder. Connor hasn’t seemed to care, still wearing thin black skinny jeans and denim jackets with nothing under them.

NOT THAT SHE WAS LOOKING HE JUST LEANS OVER HER ALOT AND HIS SHIRT DIPS AND FUCK VIOLET IS GAY FOR GUY TITTIES

Violet clenches her jaw and shuffles closer to Connor for warmth.  
“I can. I’d rather walk honestly.” Violet replies and Connor looks down at her quizzically. “Can’t drive, makes me anxious.”  
Connor, surprisingly, doesn’t pry.

Violet looks up at his hair and notices how it gets curlier the longer it is.  
“Ever thought about growing your hair out?” She asks and Connor looks as if he’s been shocked. He jumps slightly and flushes from his neck to his ears, 

_Not that she’s staring at the column of Connor’s neck that she wants to mark up so everyone knows he belongs to someone_

Okay what the fuck.

“Yes actually.” He says with such an honest gentle tone that it makes her heart melt a little bit.  
“You should do it. It’ll get way curlier.” She pulls a strand back to watch it spring back into shape.  
Connor flushes and lets her play with his hair.  
Is this normal?

_Fuck normal, just enjoy this while it lasts_

Violet lets go of his hair after a minute but soon finds herself wanting to play with it again. What would it look like long? Would it straighten out or curl at the ends?  
Would the parting of his hair change?

Violet starts to zone out,  
_Violet and Connor lay under the covers in front of a fake fireplace, Violet playing with his hair as he slept. He looked peaceful and Violet leant down to kiss his forehead-_

Stop imagining things that will never happen. You barely know him.

_But you want to know him._

It doesn’t make you any less gross and undateable. 

Violet considers this until a cold hand is wrapped around hers.  
“Fuck my fingers are gonna fall off.” Connor swears and intertwines their fingers, shoving their joining hands in his pocket.  
“How are you so warm?” Connor asks in disbelief as she shivers.  
“How are your fingers like icicles?”  
Connor crinkles his nose and shrugs.  
“Fair.”

Violet takes out her phone.

To: Mom  
Remember when I came out as a lesbian  
I think I like guys too

Help


	14. Restaurants and Religion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor convinces Violet to skip. It doesn’t go as planned.

Connor sees Violet fidgeting on her phone, typing quickly before her face turns dark red.  
Connor leans over to look and Violet yelps in surprise, shoving the phone down her shirt.  
“Two sins in one day huh? First you skip with me and now you’re watching porn in broad daylight?” Connor tsks with a smile on his face. Violet’s cheeks continue to redden as he goes on.  
He makes the cross and then puts his hands together.  
“Father I have sinned.” Connor teases and Violet shrieks, slapping his hands away.  
“I’m Jewish! A-And I wasn’t watching porn!”  
Connor cracks up again as El Pollo Loco comes into view.  
“I love how your first concern is your religion.” Connor snickers and Violet messes with her shirt.

She pulls at the threads a lot. Is that why her closet is stocked full of shirts but she only has two pairs of pants?

Connor smacks her hand lightly.  
“Quit doin that, You’ll unravel the whole damn thing.” Connor says and Violet clasps her hands together, awkwardly wiping them on her tights.  
“I’m actually an atheist... like I’m still Jewish, but I don’t believe in God.” she mumbles quietly. Connor waits for her to continue.  
“B-because, If there is a god why would he make me suffer like this? Because of some original sin? He must be twisted as heck.”  
Connor snorts in surprise but she doesn’t back track or stutter.  
“Honestly? Same though.”  
She flushes but it’s not out of shame. It’s something else.  
Connor watches her wipe her hands again.

Is that a nervous tick?

They enter the restaurant and Connor digs out his wallet.  
“What do you want?”  
Violet rummages through her bag and stuffs a 20 in his hand.  
“Uh? I haven’t been a prostitute in a while I don’t think I’ll be any good now.”  
Violet’s face goes crimson again and halfway through her stuttered response she sneezes, inhales, and then continues but way faster.  
“Slow down. It was a joke. I know it’s for the food, but keep it. I like wasting my parents money anyway.” Connor replies and sticks the dollar bill into her hood, stunning her for long enough to buy two generic bowls before drinks.  
“What do you want to drink?” He asks her and she seems to go mute.  
“Same as me then.” He decides and she’s about to protest when he orders two root beers.  
Connor takes the cups and hands one to a silent Violet who keeps staring.  
“Yeah?” He asks nonchalantly, filling up his cup without any ice. Ice is the devil’s creation.  
Violet just swallows and goes to fill her cup up as well.  
“How did you know I liked root beer?” She asks and Connor shrugs.  
“Lucky guess?”

He was just ordering his usual.  
“Huh.” She says and then the conversation is over.  
The wait for their food takes a little longer, and by then, it’s 1:45. Everyone at school would have to go to their last class of the day. But not them.  
Connor smirked at his mini victory. It was gonna bite him in the ass later, but for now it felt great.

Like he finally had control over something.

He took another sip of his drink and Violet sighs, shifting the bag on her back.  
He leans heavily on the table behind them, appreciating the loss of pressure on his injured foot.  
He’ll get the brace off soon, but the bruise was still huge and gross and yellow with spots of purple.  
“Does it hurt?” Violet asks softly after a couple moments and Connor shrugs.  
“Doesn’t hurt as much as Chem does.” Connor sighs through his nose dramatically. His soda was completely gone and they still didn’t have their food.

“Do you have that last block?” Violet asks and Connor nods.  
“When do you have it?”  
“First.” She replies and Connor cringes in sympathy.  
“Yeesh.”

“Number 24?” The cashier calls and Connor looks down at his receipt.  
24 was in bold at the top and he steadies himself, ready to move when Violet pushes him back, taking the receipt from him.  
She walks up to the front and takes the bag the employee hands her, and then they’re slower making their way out.  
“Wanna come over?” Violet asks and Connor huffs out a bitter sounding laugh.  
“When don’t I?”  
“Still safe to ask.”

...

They make it to Violet’s house just after school should’ve ended but her mom is already waiting there.  
“I see you skipped the last few classes?” She asks and Violet flushes and starts to apologize rapidly, little tears brimming her eyes.  
Heidi rolls her eyes fondly and hugs her daughter, patting her hair down and telling her not to do it again.  
Then her head snaps over to Connor.  
He feels himself start to sweat but she looks down at the foot he’s limping on, obviously favoring the other leg more.  
“You didn’t walk there did you?” She asks and Connor shrugs sheepishly, rocking back and forth.  
“Sit down then.” She orders and soon Connor is on the couch, leg held carefully above the floor.  
Violet sits down by Connor and Heidi grabs her keys.  
“Now, I want no more of this skipping business. Your education is the most important thing in your lives right now. It’s the only job you have, don’t mess it up.” Heidi leaves and then Violet apologizes to Connor for no reason at all.

“Why are you sorry?” Connor asks and Violet’s breath hitches.  
“B-because, she scolded us and y-you probably th-think I’m lame, and I’m sorry but I can’t do this again it freaks me-“  
“Hansen. I get it.” Connor holds up a hand and when she stops, Connor pats her on the head in an odd condescending way.  
Violet quiets down after a minute, and then they start eating.  
For some reason it makes Violet even more uncomfortable.  
“What’s wrong?” Connor asks and Violet shrugs, moving the food around in her bowl.  
“I have problems with eating. I feel like it makes me look disgusting and then I get scared you’re gonna like... think I’m gross,”  
“How could I think you’re gross when I’m a teenage boy. Have you seen my room? That’d be insanely hypocritical of me. And besides, you look... fine.”

‘You look _fine?_ ‘  
_What was that jackass? Did you actually plan that or did you have a seizure?_

Either way, Violet relaxes easily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh sorry for the mini hiatus! I’m trying to figure out what to do in terms of scheduling and where I want this story to go in the next few chapters,, so posting will take a little longer than two days! Sorry again and thank you for your continued love and support! <3


	15. Paper and Projects

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine’s Day!!!  
> <3  
> <3  
> <3

Violet’s learned more about Connor.  
He has a mental disorder, she knows that for sure. She just can’t figure out which one.  
He’s depressed, he cuts and doesn’t give a shit about the marks, not bothering to cover them.  
He wears extremely heavy clothes and lots of layers.  
Nail polish calms him down, but it’s chipped, like he hasn’t done them in a while.  
And his hair looks nice, but it’s always greasy.

She’s ashamed she knows these things. What kind of freak ‘examines and studies’ their friends to ‘get to know them better?’  
She’s crazy.  
And she knows it.  
Which is somehow worse.

She also knows Connor gets angry easily.  
But she didn’t think the smallest things had the ability to set him off.

Connor had gotten his brace off, but the bruises on his sides and legs are still very prominent.  
They were sitting together in the library, trying to study before their next class.  
Violet hears him mutter to himself before a rip sound echoes through the empty room.  
Connor stiffens and Violet looks over to see that he had accidentally ripped the fringe a little too far, leaving a gap in the side of the paper. 

Connor’s breathing a little more heavily now, on the verge of a serious mental breakdown.  
Violet gently pats his shoulder, about to offer a new piece of paper and some reassurance, when he jerks away harshly.  
“Don’t touch me.” He says lowly with a dark glare and Violet drops her hand back in her lap uselessly.  
“do you want some p-“ Violet mumbles and Connor slams his hands on the table.  
“What the fuck is wrong with you!” Connor yells and Violet stares at him with wide eyes.  
_”Stop fucking looking at me like that!”_

Violet hears him shove her chair before she feels it, the wind getting knocked out of her easily. It clatters loudly and drops so quick that Violet’s unsure if it ever really happened.  
Connor glares down at her, looking absolutely terrifying. His skinny body and dark clothing just enhances the way his eyes burn into hers, something dark beneath the surface.  
Then they change. Subtly. A short flicker that’s maybe two or three seconds.  
His pupils dart to the table and then he grabs his messenger bag strap with a white knuckled grip.

Just like that, he’s storming out, leaving the paper that started it all behind.

This isn’t a rare occurrence either.  
The outbursts are horrifically normalized now, happening at least once a week. And, since she’s almost always around, it’s usually directed at her.  
But she’s never been shoved with such clear intent before.

_He hates you. If you weren’t bothering him 24/7 maybe he wouldn’t lash out at all. Maybe, you’re the problem._

Violet gets up shakily and packs her books away, legs still quivering beneath her weight.  
The chair was shoved so viciously, that it slid a couple inches away from Violet’s stuff.

_What if you just killed yourself? Then you wouldn’t be such a burden on him or your mom._

Violet tries to block these thoughts out, pocketing her phone and making her way to English. A class that she has with Connor.  
Connor Murphy. The boy who pushed her on purpose. The boy who wouldn’t care if she died.

Violet takes her seat and notices Connor is also there from the corner of her eye.  
He’s got his earbuds in and his head is in his arms, seemingly resting.  
She waits the fifteen minutes until class starts.  
The bell rings. Students arrive in pairs and small groups.  
The second bell rings. One student arrives a minute late.  
Her teacher takes roll. Connor does not speak when she calls his name.  
He raises his hand lazily, not bothering to take his earbuds out. Even when she asks him to, Violet watches Connor crank up the music until the person beside him gets visibly uncomfortable.  
Connor flips them off.

He gets scolded by the teacher.  
His headphones are taken away.  
Connor glares at then blurts,  
“Thank you for taking away the one thing that stopped me from committing today!”  
She sends him into the hall to cool off.  
And starts to type at her laptop furiously.

This all happens in quick succession, the blonde getting a little dizzy at how quick it escalated.  
What did Connor mean by ‘committing?’ Committing to what?  
Everyone went quiet when he said it, so it must be bad.  
Maybe it’s a cuss word?

“What happened?” A girl, who just came back from the bathroom, asks her friend.  
“Oh you know, Crazy Connor Murphy.” He replies and the girl giggles quietly.  
“Two freak attacks in one day?”  
“Oh yeah. Maybe his parents found his cocaine.”  
Violet’s blood was boiling.  
They were making fun of her friend right in front of her!  
It doesn’t matter if he shoved her.  
This means war now.

Connor is escorted back in, and a hush falls over the class.  
Connor plops himself in his seat, looking tired.

Their teacher starts to talk about a scatter plot project for the most recent chapter, and says she’ll pick the partners.  
Violet hesitates before raising her hand. 

Well, she was gonna die anyway.

“Yes?” She asks and Violet lets out the breath she was holding.  
“Can I do the project with Connor?” She asks and Ms. Collias fumbles with a paper.  
Her eyes dart from Violet’s nervous face to Connor’s side of the room.  
“If you really want to.” She replies quietly and just like that, people are asking if they could chose their partners.  
She denies them all and quickly pairs them up.

People send death glares Violet’s way.  
Violet picks up her books and heads towards Connor’s desk.  
He looks up and takes his ear plugs out, staring up at her in confusion.  
“We’re doing a scatter plot.” Violet says bluntly and Connor wordlessly scoots over. He was never good at verbally saying sorry.  
But his face said it all.  
He felt bad.

Violet didn’t expect him to apologize. She says sorry enough for the both of them.

Connor works silently, and when Violet’s done brainstorming, she looks over at Connor’s paper to collaborate.  
He’s already got bullets, page numbers, and where they’d go on the plot.  
“O-oh wow, guess I picked the right partner.” Violet chuckles nervously and Connor blinks in surprise, then looks over at her paper.  
“This isn’t hard you know.” Connor says dryly and Violet flushes.  
“It is for me.”  
He shrugs and continues scrawling page numbers in his notebook with his pen.

They finish faster than the others, thanks to Connor’s level of understanding.  
“I’ve read this book dozens of times,” He murmurs as he sketches another incomplete dancer in his sketchbook.  
“I don’t see the point of reading it again.”  
Connor shows her his old copy, with highlighted phrases and circled words with sentences in the margins, asking questions and saying cynical things. Overall, the notes help.  
She writes them down in her book, (well the ones that are relevant anyway), and then hands it back.  
“Why’d you make fun of his name in the margins?”  
“Cause Kiko’s a little shit, that’s why. Honestly this is such eighth grade level reading, No Surrender Soldier isn’t prevalent to today’s society no matter how many times they try to drill it into our heads.”  
Violet nods along hesitantly, not really understanding his rambling.  
“I wouldn’t be this angry if the story was good but the plot is shit too-“  
Connor is cut off by the bell.  
“What’s your next block?” He asks as they’re packing up and Violet shoves her notebook down harder.  
“I have a free period.” She says quietly and Connor smirks.  
“Cool. I have math, where are you going?”  
“Library probably?” She murmurs and Connor tugs his bag over his shoulder, wincing when his side brushes the desk.  
“Great, I’ll come with.”  
“Connor, go to math class.” She mumbles and he makes a hand puppet, mocking her.  
“Go to class Connor, take your meds Connor, take a shower Connor,” He squeaks in a high pitched voice and Violet flushes, pulling her hair to cover her ears.

She ends up just letting him follow her. It’s just one class, what harm could it really cause?  
Twenty minutes in, Connor’s called to the office.  
He snaps his book shut and grins dangerously.  
“That’s my cue, see yah,” The door swings behind him as he walks off in an uncaring and almost confident way.

How is he not upset?  
No, that’s a stupid question. Just because he had an episode today doesn’t mean he’s gonna have another so soon.  
Violet considers this for a moment, then lets it go. Connor will be fine tomorrow, his mood swings always start bad and end okay.


	16. Love and Losing it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _No amount of care can fix you. You’re shattered. Unfixable. Worthless. No one would care if you died. In fact, it would make everyone a lot happier. You’re a burden on your family. On your teachers. Your classmates are terrified of you-_

Connor’s mom is waiting for him in the office, glaring at him softly.  
Like she wants to be mad but can’t.  
“Mr. Murphy you’re aware if this happens a third time you’ll be suspended?”  
Connor salutes him lazily, not in the mood to be snarky or even aggressive. He’s just tired honestly.  
He wants to cuddle with Flower and take a nap that turns into a thousand year coma.

_That’s called dying, idiot._

_’Well, maybe I want to cuddle Flower and then fucking die. How does that sound?’_

...

“Connor are you listening to me?” Cynthia asks while they’re in the car and Connor shrugs, staring out the window in a haze.  
“Are you high?” She asks desperately and Connor sighs.  
So maybe he smoked a joint or two today, Why did it even matter to them? It wasn’t like she cared before, why does she care now.  
He doesn’t answer her but she takes it as a yes.  
“Why Connor? Do you like making us upset? Do you even feel the slightest bit of remorse when we’re mad at you?”  
Connor shrugs again.

He gets home and Larry and Cynthia try to talk to him at the dinner table. Connor doesn’t listen, immediately trudging up the stairs the second it’s over.  
All day there’s been a buzzing in the back of his head. Not very prevalent, but there and it was terrifying. Connor had more thoughts of suicide than normal today and he didn’t understand.

_I took my meds! Aren’t they supposed to get rid of those?_

Connor pulls his heavy jacket off and then slides his tank top over his head, opting out of wearing a shirt to bed. It’s two in the afternoon, who cares? If he’s tired, Connor is going to nap.  
He pops his earbuds back in, playing some weird instrumental music and starts to slide his way too tight skinny jeans off his legs.  
Flower taps his ankle and then rolls over to expose her stomach at his feet.  
“What a weird cat.” Connor muses and rubs her belly, the purrs starting up almost instantly.  
“What are you?” Connor asks and Zoe knocks on his doorframe. Connor, the fool, left his damn door open again.  
“She’s a cat. Put on some clothes weirdo.” Zoe replies and Connor grabs a blanket, wrapping it around himself.  
“I was getting changed,” Connor says bitterly and Zoe hums softly, somewhat ignoring it. Zoe knows Connor has no privacy, but she doesn’t care as long as their parents don’t take away hers.  
“Mom wants you down to check your grades in a little bit, so if you’re planning on sleeping, you might want to reschedule.”  
Connor flips her off beneath his blanket bundle and she walks out, thinking she’s so important and smart.

You’re in eighth grade bitch, wait until you get into high school. 

He scolds himself for calling his little sister a bitch and curls up in bed as tightly as he can, tucking his legs in.  
He really wants someone to hold him.

Someone soft and comforting.

Someone who cares.

Somebody who needs him as much as he needs them.

_Someone like Violet Hansen._

Connor jolts upright and Flower slips off the pillow, glaring at him as she moves.  
Does Connor like her? He couldn’t possibly. That’s ridiculous, they just met.

_You don’t have to be afraid to get attached this time, she’s just as invested as you._

Connor fights with himself, but it’s futile.  
He liked someone. A girl. And he had strong romantic and platonic feelings toward her.

Violet. A girl he met because he tried punching his sister.

Connor runs his hands through his hair and falls back onto his pillow.  
“God I’m so fucked.”

...

He doesn’t go down for dinner, taking his nap and pretending they can’t wake him up when they really do. Later he takes a shower and spends most of the time watching the water go down the drain.  
Why does he like her? Of all people?

...

Connor is staring at the cottage cheese ceiling at 4:13 am when it hits him.

_You invested everything in her. She was your only friend, and it caused you to get attached._

“Fuck I staked everything on one thing again!” Connor groans and throws his pillows at the wall, knocking a picture off his desk.  
Zoe bangs on her wall.  
“Go to sleep!” She shouts and Connor throws a book back.  
“Make me!” He yells back and Zoe falls silent.  
He stays awake until the sun rises up into the sky.  
“If they let me sleep uninterrupted yesterday, I wouldn’t be so tired.” Connor grumbles and dresses quickly, grabbing his bag and climbing out the window. It takes time but he manages to climb down using the tree, escaping and running a block.  
He gets a call from his mom and he ignores it.

He runs to the bus stop and to his delight _(Gross)_ Violet is there waiting.  
She waves nervously and Connor waves back.

_Is he smiling too much? God he probably looks crazy,_

Violet smiles without teeth and Connor snickers.  
She probably forgot to brush her teeth today. Paranoid little nerd...  
No! No endearing thoughts!  
“How was yesterday?” Connor asks and Violet blushes. She turns away in what she probably thinks is subtle.  
“It was fine. I watched a tree...”  
She stops but Connor’s already interested.  
“A tree what?”  
“A tree documentary...” she mumbles and Connor wonders why she’s so embarrassed.  
“Do you like them?” He asks, trying to seem as laid back as possible and Violet’s eyes brighten and a small smile tugs at her lips.  
“I do.”  
“Why?”  
Violet’s smile seems like it can’t be contained. _And it shouldn’t be,_  
God Connor stop being so straight.  
“What?” She asks and Connor’s eyes widen.  
“What What?” Connor asks and she stares back in confusion.  
“You said something just now,”  
“No. Why do you like trees so much?” 

She starts to ramble and fuck if it isn’t adorable, and Connor sighs as the bus pulls up.  
_Bullet, dodged._

The bus ride is awkward.  
Connor scoots a little too close and it seems to make Violet extremely uncomfortable, because she squeezes as small as she can against the window.

_Probably because she’s afraid of you, freak._

The word burns itself in the side of his skull.

_She probably doesn’t even like you platonically. Give up already._

Connor knew deep down the voice in his head was right. Violet deserved better. She doesn’t need to deal with him.  
Connor’s arms itched, the scratches from Flower stinging.

Maybe he could add more, because he deserved it.

_No one will be able to tell the difference._

...

It took hours for Connor to calm down from the depressive episode. He was in Block two when died down a little bit. But during lunch it came back full force. Almost as if it wanted to remind Connor that he’s broken.

 _No amount of care can fix you. You’re shattered. Unfixable. Worthless. No one would care if you died. In fact, it would make everyone a lot happier. You’re a burden on your family. On your teachers. Your classmates are terrified of you-_  
“Connor?” Violet asks softly and the tall boy rubs at his eyes, trying to stop the tears. No no no you can’t cry in class. Stop,  
“Hey,” She murmurs and puts her hand on his arm. The touch is like an electric shock.  
He wants to scream but can’t find his voice.  
Violet’s voice gets muffled like he’s underwater. Someone responds to her and then Connor’s being held, gently getting taken out of the room.  
She’s surprisingly strong for someone her size.

Connor’s set down in a room with blindingly white lights and then Violet is holding a water bottle in front of him.  
“Ar-Are you okay?” She asks and Connor swallows hard, noticing how dry his throat is.  
He still can’t find his voice. It’s lost somewhere inside him.  
Connor is careful when he’s taking the bottle from her, not letting their fingers brush. “I’m gonna go get your stuff okay?” She asks and Connor shakes his head.

‘No. My parents won’t let me go home.’

“Why not?”  
Connor motions to the nurses desk. It had some post its and a pencil on it.

After writing what he wanted to say he felt himself get more tired. His eyelids were dropping and Violet was saying something,

Before he knew it Connor was out cold in Violet’s arms.


	17. Dirty thoughts and Dirty hair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor passes out from utter exhaustion and stress, What kind of person would she be if she didn’t try to help?

Violet felt Connor drop into her arms and made a small ‘oof’ sound.  
He was heavier when he became dead weight.  
He looks so tired...

Violet presses gentle fingers beneath his eyes and sighs at the wetness from the tears. His hair looks greasy and when she pets it down in the back it confirms it.  
Has he been taking showers?  
Violet decides there’s only one thing she can do.

“Miss?”   
The nurse replies from the back room.  
“C-can you, c-c-call m-my mo-mom? I really-“  
Before she’s done, a phone is dialing and then ringing.  
She lets Violet leave and the blonde carries Connor out, taking their bags with her.  
He’s so skinny,

Violet tucks his legs in and Connor makes a soft noise.  
His hair falls from his eyes and Violet takes a moment to look him over.  
He’s kind of pretty like that. With his hair framing his face. Are those orange roots beneath? 

_Oh god, you like Connor. You like him a lot._

Violet swallows hard and cradles him closer, adjusting their bags slightly. Connor’s face drops into her neck and Violet can feel his slow and steady breathing against her.

It takes a long time walking home carrying someone, but she manages.  
Violet arrives to an empty house and carefully lays Connor in her bed, tucking one of her softer blankets around him.  
He curls into a ball and Violet gently pushes a pillow towards him. Connor latches on, his hair splaying out around his face like a weird, brown, matted halo.

God what if he wakes up and you’re just sitting here staring at him? Get up and do something!

And Violet does what she always does when she’s bored. Eat.

She makes two sandwiches, one for her and another for Connor when he wakes up. If he wakes up before she eats them both, that is.

...

Violet folds a couple towels and places them on the edge of the bathtub. Connor really needed to shower. It wasn’t just his hair, he looked kind of dirty all over.   
_Not that she looked everywhere he’s asleep and that’s rape-_

Violet takes a deep breath to steady herself and crosses the hallway to her bedroom.  
“Connor.” She murmurs and Connor stirs a bit in his sleep. “Con you’ve been asleep for two hours.”

Connor sniffles and stretches out, his legs stopping at the bed post. He frowns deeply and looks up at Violet.  
“Your bed is short like you.” Connor murmurs with a rough voice and Violet chuckles awkwardly.  
“Do you want to eat or shower first?” Violet asks and Connor crinkles his nose.  
“I don’t wanna shower at someone else’s house...”  
“Well you’re gonna have to.” Violet says and Connor stares up at her.  
His eyes flicker, then dull.  
“Fine, I’ll shower.”

Connor gets up and Violet smiles at him.  
Then he hugs her. Tightly.  
He mumbles something under his breath, and then lets her go, opening the door and walking to the bathroom.

_’I love you.’_

Violet’s blood goes cold.   
Connor told her he loved her.   
Was that a friend thing?

The only person that says they love her is her mom.

Did Connor mean it?

_Why would you think that? It’s probably a joke. No one can stand you, how could someone tolerate you enough to love you?_

Violet swallows hard and walks back to the kitchen. The walls of the tiny hallway seem to close in and pictures of her dad and her mom seem to glare at her from the walls.

She makes it back safely, if you don’t count feeling extremely paranoid and covering her eyes.

The shower turns on and Violet curls up on the couch, trying not to think about it.

Hey.  
Connor Murphy, is in your shower.  
Wet and helpless and yours for the taking,

_No, bad Violet! He’s in your house, no sexy thoughts!!!_

He’s in your house... you can absolutely just walk in and ravish him-

_SHUT UP SHUT UP OH MY GOD HE’S GOING TO COME DOWN SOON_

When people meet Violet they tend to describe her as shy, awkward, and innocent. She may have GAD and she may be pretty fucking socially awkward, but Violet Hansen is not in any way innocent.

She has to masturbate every day just to keep herself sane and honestly it’s become such a bad habit. And due to liking Connor... her fantasies of random women have evolved into sweet cuddling and rough sex with one (1) Connor Murphy. And they all sound more realistic because she’s heard noises and can pretty much fill in the blanks.

It’s both a blessing and a curse.

The shower shuts off, and Violet hears humming in the eerily quiet house. It sounds familiar but she can’t put her finger on what it is.  
“I’ve been shaking with withdrawals, I’m a junky... I never would cho... to live the way I do, but I do.” Connor sings softly and Violet chuckles. Most of it is hard to make out because of the echo and it’s disappointing.  
He’s surprisingly good, but the song choice is questionable.  
Then Connor coughs awkwardly through the next line and it makes Violet snort.

The bathroom door opens and Violet hears another weird throat clearing sound.  
“V can I borrow some clothes?” Connor asks and Violet blushes hotly.

Connor... in her clothes again...

_Take this opportunity. Get your most revealing pajamas._

Sometimes she just can’t deny herself.  
Violet gets up quickly and tries to walk through the hall quietly, making her way to the bathroom.  
“Yeah.” She replies and she hears the floorboards shift.  
“Lit.” Connor responds with a completely dead pan voice and Violet hides her giggle with a cough.

Violet turns the corner and almost bumps into Connor, who’s standing in only a towel around his waist and one twisting his hair.  
Oh Jesus Christ he looks-

STOP STOP STOP HES YOUR FRIEND

“Oh, u-uh suh-sorry Con.” Violet stutters and Connor shrugs.  
“You didn’t run into me so it’s fine.”  
Violet continues to stare at the water droplets trailing down Connor’s shoulders and hips.  
“Are you gonna get the clothes or just stare?” Connor asks with a raised eyebrow and Violet’s face warms.  
“S-sorry.”

Violet awkwardly side steps to her room and opens the door, scrambling in.  
Connor chuckles softly and Violet pulls her drawers open.  
A pair of soft red pants and a comfortable crop top get thrown to the bed, Violet eye balls the shirt, making sure it’ll fit only just, but not quite enough. 

She hands the clothes to Connor and he bites his lip.  
“Thanks.”  
Violet looks down and her eyes catch the red violent cuts on Connor’s thighs, arms, and shoulders. She watches them until the door shuts, hiding them again.

Violet trudges back down stairs, putting a movie on, trusting Connor will follow. She turns a random movie on and it plays softly.  
Violet watches it mindlessly, not really listening.


	18. Croptops and Confessing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey I’m still not dead. Also, next two chapters are gonna have surprise POVs!  
> And yes, I did mean for this chapter to cut off like that.

Connor’s found it’s easy to fall in love.  
It’s easy to be attracted to someone.

But he’s also learned it’s difficult when,  
A) You’re literally human garbage that will never be loved by anyone, not even your own family.  
B) The person you’re in love with has generalized anxiety disorder and depression.  
And C) Your brain is so fucked up that you’re paranoid, impulsive and have major trust issues to tie it all together.

So it’s not easy after all.

The stigma around being in love is so fake that sometimes it makes him furious.  
There’s no such thing as love at first sight.  
You can’t look at someone and instantly be deeply and emotionally attached to that person.

Connor fought with himself for weeks, days and nights of hair tearing frustration at the thought of trusting Violet enough to even be _friends._  
Now he’s fighting love. 

Which is something he tends to do.

-  
_”Sweetie we’re just trying to help you!” “MAYBE I DON’T WANT YOUR HELP CYNTHIA, I’M SICK OF YOU TREATING ME LIKE A FUCKING FREAK!”_  
-

-  
_”Connor did you eat today?” “What you think that I can’t take care of myself?” “No!” “Because I’m crazy right!”_  
-

Connor stares at himself in the mirror as he towels his knotted hair and lets his eyes wander over the scratches on his shoulders.  
He really shouldn’t let Flower sit on his shoulders like that...

The tall boy pulls the towel away and grabs Violet’s brush, and there’s a twisty feeling in his stomach for using it. But he has no other choice.

Connor runs the metal brush through his hair, getting it stuck five minutes in.  
As much as he pulls there’s nothing he can do.

Connor eyes the scissors on the counter. His hair is already short, he could start wearing a hat...

-  
_”You should grow it out.” Violet smiled as she twirled the ends of Connor’s hair with her fingers._  
-

Never mind.

Connor ends up ripping a decent sized chunk of hair from his nape anyway, trying not to panic.  
It was fine, no one would notice. _But damn it stung._

He finally pulls off the towel around his waist and grabs his boxers, slipping them on slowly. Connor looks down at the scratch marks on his thighs and sighs tiredly. It’s weird how one nap was enough to calm him down. 

It only took 20 minutes of talking to Violet to forget all about this morning. Which was odd to him. Connor was used to his mood lingering.

If he got angry for a small thing, he was angry all day. If something sad happened, Connor wept for hours, unable to cope.

Today Connor went from a depressive state to anxious to singing in the shower.

Weird.

Connor grabs the pajama pants and pulls them on, tightening the draw string so that it fits around his hips. Why are Violet’s hips and thighs so wide but her legs so small?  
Connor doesn’t bother looking at the shirt before tugging it on, but then he notices the distinct amount of air rushing over his torso.  
He looks to the mirror and his jaw almost drops at what she gave him. It’s a soft black crop top that stops right under his chest and hangs off one shoulder. Why in God’s name would she give him this?

_Maybe she likes you too and wants to look at you. I mean, she did stare at your chest when you got out of the shower._

Connor feels his heart soar before reality comes crashing down.  
Fuck, That’s right. Violet is a lesbian.  
There’s absolutely no way in hell she’s attracted to him.

_I don’t know about that you look pretty feminine-_

Connor groans and pulls at the shirt before staring at his rumpled denim jacket on the floor.  
He pulls it on over the top and crinkles his nose at the feeling of the cold zipper against his stomach.  
Maybe Violet just made a mistake and gave him her pajamas.

Connor makes his way to the living room and sees some weird 80s movie playing on the tv in front of Violet on the couch.  
Her eyes look blank, seemingly deep in thought and hadn’t noticed Connor walked in. Connor walks up behind her and drops his hands on her shoulders, making the smaller girl jump and scream.  
“You’re such a jerk! I thought a murderer was in my house!” Violet cries when she turns and Connor snickers quietly.

She looks down at the jacket and her face falls slightly. Like she’s disappointed.  
Connor flushes and zips it up more, walking around the couch to face the tv.  
“What are you -uh- watching.” Connor mutters awkwardly and Violet blinks, looking up at the tv.  
“Oh, it’s. It’s Better Off Dead.” She replies and Connor snorts, watching this poor kid back up into some pickup at a sad attempt to race.  
“That’s a huge mood.” Connor says and Violet sighs, watching the screen.  
“Yeah.”

She’s suddenly serious, going right back into the previous mindset before Connor interrupted.  
“Something up?” Connor asks quietly and Violet swallows audibly.  
“Have you ever thought about what the world would be like if you weren’t here?”  
Something in Connor breaks.

Her voice seems to ring through the room.

“W-wh-what do you mean?”  
“I think about dying a lot.” Violet mutters and pulls at her pants. There’s a stray hair on her pants, and she gingerly pulls it off.  
Connor’s throat is tight and dry, unable to comprehend what she’s saying.

_Someone like her, is messed up like him?_

There’s an odd mix of relief and guilt swirling in his stomach.

“me too...” Connor says lowly and swallows hard, trying to regain his voice.  
“But I’m scared.” Violet murmurs and Connor decides against common sense and acts on his impulses.

He leans over and hugs her tight, curling around her protectively.  
“Please don’t die.” Connor tells her and she digs her fingers into his jacket.  
Her cheek finds a home in his shoulder and Connor pets down her hair. “I may be a huge ass hypocrite, but I would miss you if you were gone... you’re my only friend.”  
Violet perks up a little bit.

“I know you’re scared, I’m scared too. Do you want to cower in fear together?” Connor asks weakly with a soft chuckle and Violet makes a small choked sob.  
“You mean the world to me.” She whispers and Connor fights back tears. He doesn’t let his self hatred shine through and bites back the comment on how she couldn’t possibly mean it.  
“I love you.”


	19. Parenting and Picking up shifts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Though you try  
> To give your kid the world  
> You give him everything you’ve got
> 
> What if I  
> Gave all that I could  
> And I thought it was enough  
> But I find that it was not
> 
> \- In the Bedroom Down the Hall (Dear Evan Hansen)

Heidi’s shoulders sag as she unlocks the door, fighting exhaustion with every step. Kimberly dropped her shifts on her again, expecting Heidi to pick them up. And she did. Without hesitating.

At this point, the blonde would do anything to move up at the hospital. She’s been working so hard since David left, having to give up studying and classes in order to keep them financially okay. Every little thing reminds her of his absence. The two story house they traded out for the one they live in now. The pictures on the wall. Violet and Heidi’s bond. They had gotten along so well, inseparable. Mother and Daughter days were frequent.  
Then she picked her classes back up, and their relationship disintegrated right before her eyes.

Every day Violet pulled away a little more, with one word answers and dead silent car rides.

She tried everything. Whatever Violet wanted to play with, Heidi bought them for her. Comic books, TMNT action figures, Pokémon cards, barbies, Violet had as much as Heidi could give her, no matter how tight the money was. But it wasn’t enough. Toys don’t bridge the gap between mother and daughter.

Heidi is seven hours late to dinner and when she gets home she finds her daughter curled up with Connor.  
It’s not an unusual sight, however this time their legs are intertwined.

She knew the signs.

The messy hair.  
Flushed faces.  
Wide grins.

It was almost laughably stereotypical.

This made Heidi think of Violet’s text from about a week ago.

Of course she must’ve been talking about Connor, that makes more sense than some random guy.   
Heidi responded nonchalantly, just as she did when Violet told her she liked only girls. Her daughters’ sexuality couldn’t possibly faze her.  
Even if it’s something taboo or wildly discriminated, Heidi would love Violet anyway.  
She was her whole world. She’s all she has left and nothing is going to make her stop loving her.

So she’s calm about it.  
“I assume you want to stay for dinner Connor?” She asks and Connor’s head pops up from the couch. Heidi walks to the kitchen, setting her purse on the table as she goes.  
“Yes please Ms. Hansen.” Connor responds quietly and Heidi rolls her eyes.  
“You don’t need to call me that you know.”  
Connor chuckles sheepishly and untangles himself from Violet, who makes a short huff, reaching her arms toward him.  
Connor places his whole hand on her face and pushes her back into the pillows playfully.  
“You’re mean.” Violet pouts and Connor sticks his tongue out at her.  
“I know.”

Connor enters the kitchen awkwardly.  
“Do you... need any help?” He asks quietly and Heidi snorts.  
“It’s microwavable chicken nuggets, I think I can handle it fine.”  
Connor clenches and unclenches his fists awkwardly.  
“Did you let your parents know you’re staying?” Heidi asks quietly as she pulls open the cardboard box and he freezes.  
“Uh- Yeah, of course.”  
Heidi knows he’s lying. He keeps staring at a framed picture on the wall instead of her.  
“Go ask your parents Connor.”

The brunette chews on his lip and nods, getting his phone.  
It rings once before being answered and Heidi hears the frantic speak pattern from across the room.  
“Cynthia, I’m fine.” Connor murmurs weakly and Heidi winces.  
He calls his parents by their first name?  
Or maybe he has a sister?

Maybe it’s just something they do.   
“You need to come home right now! Your father is furious with you!” A women yells on the phone and Connor gets visibly more angry.  
No that’s definitely his mother.  
“What does Larry care?”  
“We’ve been trying to get ahold of you for hours! He’s worried sick, do you even care?”  
“Do you?”  
Connor turns the phone off, hanging up on them.

Heidi waits patiently and Connor sighs loudly, tugging at the ends of his hair, the rings on his fingers getting snagged.  
“My parents are pissed. I have to go. Sorry.”  
Heidi tries to smile comfortingly.  
“You can come over anytime Connor. Just get permission first.” Heidi winks in what she hopes is a playful way and Connor’s face turns red in embarrassment.  
“Yeah.” He pauses awkwardly. “Sorry.”

He tugs his jacket on and Heidi looks at the door from the kitchen. Violet tugs him in for a tight hug and Heidi watches him tuck her hair behind her ear.  
He kisses her forehead and then he’s gone.  
“What do you want for dinner sweetie?” Heidi asks and Violet comes into the kitchen with a dopey grin and dark blush across her cheeks.  
Heidi pretends like she didn’t notice, but... she’ll have to have a quick chat with Connor next time he visits.

Connor needs to know the consequences and the rules before she leaves them in a room alone again.

Dinner is awkward. They don’t do this often, so it’s understandable that they have nothing to talk about.  
Violet eats slowly and averts her eyes from Heidi when she tries to look at her.  
“So... Connor huh?”  
Violet swallows hard and nods, face getting bright red.  
“Uh, y-yeah.” Violet stutters and fiddles with her fork.   
Another minute passes.  
Heidi clears her throat.  
“You know, he can come over anytime. Just tell me first.”   
Violet nods again, seeming to have trouble finishing her food.  
“Mom... Um, I’m not so hungry. Can I go take a shower?”  
Heidi smiles and kisses her forehead, taking the plate away.  
“Of course sweetie.”  
Violet grabs her backpack from the couch and vanishes down the hallway, a door opens and shuts.

Heidi adds ‘Protection’ to the grocery list on the fridge before heading to bed.


	20. Giving the world and Getting nothing in return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Did I let you down?  
> What else can I do?  
> Everything I ever did  
> I did it all for you 
> 
> Anything to make you happy  
> Anything for the boy in the bedroom down the hall
> 
> \- In the Bedroom Down the Hall  
> (Dear Evan Hansen)

Not much can make Cynthia Murphy angry. She tries to be easy going. But every little thing makes him angry, and Cynthia can’t help but yell back. She tries to worry just enough. Texting once or twice if Zoe and Connor don’t answer.

Then the messages would be absent for days on end. Connor would be missing for days on end. Larry and Cynthia would always feel as though Connor was really gone that time.

Then he’d show back up again in a worse condition than when he left.

And he’d continue to cause chaos at the Murphy house, yelling at Zoe for no reason, breaking things in his room, punching walls... Cynthia’s had to buy a poster or two.  
She doesn’t understand where she went wrong. Where it all went wrong.

When Connor was younger, he used to talk to her. _Really talk._ Every teacher he’s ever had used to comment that he was a ‘mommas boy.’  
But then he got older. It was about sixth grade.  
Instead of merely having arguments with Larry, Connor lashed out at everyone.  
He started calling them by their first names, then reports came flying in about Connor coming to school smelling like cigarettes or lashing out in the halls.

He never did stuff like this before. He suddenly started spiraling and no matter how hard Cynthia tried she could never seem to catch up. He was always slipping through her fingers.

Today, she’s had enough. Yet again, Zoe comes home without Connor, and tells Cynthia she hadn’t seen him most of the day. Then Larry got a call from the school about Connor skipping half the day again.  
Cynthia picked up the phone and was about to dial when Connor’s face pops up, signaling his incoming call.

It scared her how much she hated her son’s face in that moment. Mothers are supposed to love their children, despite their flaws. In this case... their many, many flaws.

“Connor Murphy where in God’s name have you been!” Cynthia yells and she hears a sigh.  
“Cynthia, I’m fine.” Connor replies, seemingly upset.  
“You need to come home right now! Your father is furious with you!”  
Larry seemed angry since he got the call, and Cynthia couldn’t blame him.  
“What does Larry care?” He says his name so venomously, that Cynthia should be upset. That’s her husband he’s talking about.  
But she’s not mad about that.  
“We’ve been trying to get ahold of you for hours! He’s worried sick, do you even care?” She tries frantically and then she hears a dry chuckle.  
“Do you?”  
The dial tone seems to echo through the large empty house.

Cynthia hangs up the call and sets her phone face down on the counter.

When had he become so awful?

What drove him to this?

Was it something she’d done?

...

Larry sets his bag gently on the kitchen table, taking out his phone to send a quick email before having to deal with Connor. Something happened to him again, and all Larry got was a short frantic phone call from Cynthia and the school. He was mad at first. Then confused as to why Cynthia was so angry about it. Then he remembers the time Connor disappeared for four days. And he gets it.  
Larry walks toward the kitchen, footsteps echoing on the tiled floor.

He stops halfway.

Someone in the house is sobbing. Loudly.

Larry enters the kitchen and finds his wife crumpled up at the counter with her head in her hands.  
Larry didn’t know how to feel. He used to love her. Now they’re just... separate. There’s a canyon, Larry’s on one end, and his family is on the other side.  
He doesn’t want them to be hurting but he can’t seem to find a way to them.

His marriage is falling apart.

Connor is already broken.

Zoe is teetering on the edge.

He‘s supposed to be the glue that held them together. But Larry just wasn’t the right person for the job.

Larry’s hands hover over Cynthia’s shaking shoulders, and he gently brings them down on her arms, sliding down to her elbows.  
“Are you okay?” He asks softly and Cynthia turns in the chair.

If they had been younger, more stable, happier... Cynthia would’ve kissed him and told him what was bothering her.

Instead she leans forward and hugs him loosely, hands fisting in his shirt.

She doesn’t tell him what’s wrong. Or what happened. She just... cries.

Larry wasn’t sure their relationship was stable. Or good even.

But he didn’t hate her. He didn’t want her to be suffering.

So, if she wanted a hug, and silent comfort, Larry would give it to her.

...

Connor gets home four hours later than they expected, smelling strongly of smoke and weed and wearing a scowl on his face.  
“Shut the fuck up!” Connor screams from the door and the music coming from Zoe’s room stops abruptly.  
The house is dead quiet.  
And Larry could no longer be calm.

First, they don’t get any calls. Then he answers, and makes Cynthia cry. To top it all off, he’s coming home late reeking of weed, and the first thing he does before he even steps over the threshold is yell at Zoe.

Larry stops him before he stomps up the stairs and starts to yell, telling him that he should know how to act, and if they ask for him to come home that he does so immediately.

He sneers at him nastily.  
“ _Fuck you._ You don’t care. Don’t pretend that you care!”  
“ALL WE WANT TO DO IS TO HELP YOU!”  
“WELL YOU’RE GOING ABOUT IT THE WRONG FUCKING WAY!” Connor screeches and balls his hands into fists. “HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT TO FUCKING ASK HOW I WAS?! OR ACTUALLY FUCKING TREAT ME LIKE A PERSON AND NOT LIKE SOME FREAK!”

A door slams and Cynthia ends up in the same position, in an empty house other than the crying coming from Connor’s room.  
Flower yowls loudly.  
“Shut the fuck up!” Connor shouts and then there’s a bang.

Larry goes to knock on his door,  
And he’s not prepared for what he sees.

Connor is curled around Flower, petting her slowly, tears streaming down his face.  
There’s a heavy book laying beside him.  
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to-“

Connor’s cut off by a large sob and Flower mews softly.

...

“Is Connor okay?” Cynthia asks quietly from her side of the bed and Larry sighs, running his hands through his hair.  
“He was crying over his cat...”  
Larry isn’t really fond of cats. But Cynthia had insisted and... well. If she thought it would make Connor better, and the last therapist they saw thought it would help, so who was he to say no?  
Connor hasn’t made any progress yet but Larry was hoping. Cynthia was hoping.

Nothing seems to get done with just hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even when everyone around you thinks you're crazy  
> Even when everyone around you lets things go  
> And whether you're prepping for some test  
> Or you're miles from some goal  
> Or you're just trying to do what's best  
> For a kid who's lost control
> 
> You do the hard thing  
> 'Cause that’s the right thing
> 
> \- To Break In A Glove  
> (Dear Evan Hansen)


	21. Sorta sappy and Sweet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the wait, fluff and getting together is difficult for me to write without it sounding awk haha. Anyway, Violet and Connor feel super Heterosexual right now.
> 
> Awkward fluff with a dash of angst at the end
> 
> TW:  
> Panic attack  
> Slight (?) animal abuse :(  
> Hurt/Comfort I guess

“ _I love you._ ”  
Violet freezes and grips Connor’s arms.  
Connor stills beneath her, seeming like he said it on accident.

_It was probably an accident. Connor doesn’t mean it, no one loves you._

“What?” Violet mutters with a rough voice and looks up at Connor.  
His entire face goes red.  
“OkayIknowyou’realesbian,butyou’remyclosestfriend-“  
“Connor, y-you sound li-like me, slow down.”  
Connor chuckles awkwardly and scratches his neck. The laugh sounds incredibly forced and his neck turns red and hot.  
“I know that you’re gay. I’m sorry for getting too attached, but I l-like you? A-A lot.” He chuckles shakily again.  
“As a friend?” Violet’s proud of how steady her voice is.  
“Well yeah... but also, like not. Closer than a friend, I mean, more than a friend.”

“How?”  
“I want to be your boyfriend. And I know that’s selfish but you’re different than other girls at school. I actually like you and want to go on dates and watch movies and-“  
By now Violet had soft tears streaming down her face, and she was practically sitting in Connor’s lap.  
“Shit I’m sorry I should probably go-“  
Violet grabbed his shoulders and pressed her lips to his cheek.

Full on kissing is too much but Violet can’t exactly just say what she wants. The words are stuck in her throat.  
Connor quiets down and his cheek gets hot beneath her lips. 

She’s sure her chapstick is smearing across his cheek.

After she pulls away Connor is staring down at her with wide eyes.

“I like you too.” Violet swallows hard and Connor fidgets with his jacket.  
“If this is a joke can you just tell me now because-“  
Violet tips his chin up and Connor frowns weakly, tears brimming his eyes.  
“It’s not a joke.” She blurts awkwardly and wipes Connor’s eyes with her thumb. “I wouldn’t... I’d never joke like that, with you.”  
“Uh... what now?” Connor asks and Violet smiles.  
“Wanna try out th-that boyfriend girlfriend thing?”  
Connor grabs her and hugs her waist tightly.  
“Thought you’d never ask Hansen.”  
“Shut up Murphy.”

Violet finds dating is like being very very affectionate friends. Except you kiss and do... other things.  
There’s more stuff to be paranoid about now fuck.  
Kissing and holding hands and pet names and-

It’s a little much.

But Violet wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Sure, the first few minutes had been awkward, but after a while Violet was curled up in his lap again while they watched some stupid cartoon on Nick Jr.  
That’s when Mom got home.  
She walked in, setting her purse down in the hall like normal, and asked, no assumed Connor was staying for dinner.  
“Yes please Ms.Hansen,” Connor replies nervously. Violet shrinks into his lap to hide her blush from her mom.  
“You don’t need to call me that you know.” Her mom says in amusement.

Violet curls up closer but Connor untangles their legs, trying to get up.  
“C’mon.” She murmurs softly and Connor places his hand over her face.  
Damn his palms are wide...

Wonder what those would be like-

Her train of thought is stopped abruptly when Connor shoves her back into the pillows, and Violet hits her head lightly on the arm of the couch.  
“You’re mean.” She murmurs with a pout and hears a soft chuckle from the kitchen.  
“I know.” Connor replies cockily, sticking his tongue out at her.

His demeanor changes instantly when he turns around. His shoulders tense up and he stands a little straighter.

_What are you nervous about?_

Then he enters the kitchen and murmurs something too soft for Violet to hear.  
Her mom and Connor go back and forth, Violet trying to eavesdrop and failing.  
Then Connor takes his phone out.  
Muffled screaming comes from the room and Connor replies to whoever it is bitterly.  
“Do you even care?” Sounds out from the receiver and Connor chuckles coldly.  
“Do you?”  
The phone hangs up and Connor spins back around saying something to her mom.  
“Bye.” Connor murmurs when he turns around and Violet tries not to let her sadness show.  
“Okay... text me when you get home?”

_You’re being too needy and possessive, he’s going to hate you-_

Instead of yell at her, Connor flushes then smiles shyly almost.

“Of course. Keep your phone on.”  
Violet walks him to the door and she hugs him tightly. He tucks her hair behind her ear and parts with a gentle kiss to her forehead. Shit her cheeks are probably bright red...

Mom chuckles again from the kitchen as Connor leaves.

Violet’s face burns hotly. Okay play it cool, maybe she didn’t see everything.  
Violet walks into the kitchen awkwardly and can’t suppress the smile stretching her lips.

“What do you want for dinner sweetie?” Mom asks with a smile and Violet shrugs.  
They end up having spaghetti (again).  
“Sorry that it’s nothing fancy.” She apologizes quietly at the stove and Violet hugs her awkwardly.  
“It’s fine Mom.”

Dinner is far too silent. Most of the time, Violet feels like her mom is trying to pick her apart with her eyes.  
“So... Connor huh?” She asks with a hint of a smile, trying to pretend as if everything hadn’t been so awkward.  
“Uh, y-yeah.” Violet stops herself from rambling and starts to fidget with her fork. Where did she leave her fidget cube?  
There’s another long minute of silence.

“You know, he can come over anytime. Just tell me first.” Mom says and Violet nods. A little tension leaked from her shoulders at her mother’s easy acceptance and overall love.

Her appetite disappeared, too many things are buzzing through her head.  
“Mom... Um, I’m not so hungry... a-anymore. Can I go take a shower?”  
Her mom stands and kisses her forehead, sweeping her plate away.

Violet leaves too quick to hear what she says and grabs her back pack, speed walking to her room. She shuts her door and takes a deep breath, collapsing into her bed.

She buries her face into the pillow and smells smoke and something sweet and cloying.

Fuck, her bed smells like Connor...

Her phone beeps loudly and helps her snap out of it.

From: Connor M.  
i hit her, v i can t believ it i hit herim so scared she keepes mewing an cruing he l p please 

i feels so bad v

To: Connor M.  
Who did you hit?

Violet feels dread settle in her stomach.

From: Connor M.  
i hit myi babie

whats wrong wit me??

i theew a book at her n she startedd cryikgn i hate myselff why canr i jusst be normal

To: Connor M.  
Nothing is wrong with you

From: Connor M.  
Yes I ruin everythingg I should just kill myedlf 

To: Connor M.  
Connor please don’t I love you Can I call you?

Connor calls her and Violet’s room fills with muffled sobs.

“Vi I h-hit her, I hate myself I can’t believe I hu-hurt her,” Connor chokes on the next sob and Violet’s heart breaks.  
“Did you hurt Zo-Zoe?” Violet asks softly and Connor sniffles loudly.  
“N-No. I ye-yelled at her though,” Connor starts to breathe a little easier, choking and crying less.  
Before Violet can ask, Connor’s talking again.  
“I-I thr-threw a book at Flower.” Connor’s voice is wracked with guilt and shame.

_Flower’s his cat right?_

“Is she okay?” Violet asks and Connor sniffs again.  
“Sh-she keeps crying, I tried petting her and she made this scared meow, I feel so b-bad,”  
Violet heart sinks to her stomach and she starts to feel sick. Connor, her boyfriend of literally two minutes, had an episode and attacked his cat. Violet didn’t know how to feel about it other than sick to her stomach for his cat and worried for Connor. “Are you okay?”

Connor sobs again.  
“You’re too good to me...” He murmurs softly and Violet smiles sadly.  
“Not really.”  
Connor laughs weakly and Violet hears shuffling.  
“Ge-Guess what?”  
“What?”  
“I’m still wearing your clothes,” Connor chuckles and Violet flushes darkly.

“H-hot,” Violet half-jokes and Connor laughs a little louder.  
“You can’t see me, but I uh... I just winked.”  
Violet and Connor laugh quietly and Connor takes a deep breath.  
“Thank you.”  
Connor pauses again to breathe. “I love you, and I’m sorry... for everything.”


	22. First Dates and Fizzy Drinks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Violet’s first date is a bit of a disaster, but they were used to that and at this point it’s become a little endearing.
> 
> ((I just write out the whole timeline for Buddy, You and I and My Own Worst Enemy on my tumblr holybroconut if you want to check it out!! The year is going to factor into this fic obvi <3))

It’s been a week since he freaked out and almost hurt Flower.  
It’s been a week since Zoe screamed at him that he ruined their family.  
And it’s been a week since Connor was kissed by Violet Hansen.

Things rarely ever looked up for Connor. His life is not a straight line, it’s multiple bursts of emotion and color happening all at once that leave him in a dull gray area.  
Unable to really chose how to feel other than the overwhelming numbness, anger, or sadness.

But Connor couldn’t shake the good mood he’s been in, despite all the bad stuff because _Violet fucking kissed him in his lap-_

He’s been kind of giggly and nice (?) this week, and something in him was whispering that it wasn’t going to last.

And then, Connor almost lost his mind.

“Connor, I mean you don’t have to, but do you wanna like... go see a movie? W-with me?” Violet asked nervously during lunch, picking at her shirt more than usual. “It’s fine if you don’t but like, please tell me because I don’t want to get led on-“  
Connor interrupts her with a tight hug. He thought he couldn’t be happier.

Connor Murphy is in love.

So of course he accepts and Violet melts in his arms and chuckles in that awkwardly endearing way.  
He loves her laugh, especially when she snorts and scrunches up her nose.  
Also fuck when her freckles disappear beneath the blush and just shit-

He never thought he’d think this but,

_He is so fucking straight for Violet Hansen._

Connor tries his best to look... less scary.  
He wears a dark purple T-shirt, black skinny jeans, and a thin grey hoodie.  
He ditches his rings, bracelets, and his denim jacket (which physically pains him but it smells like weed and he’s not showing up to his date smelling like that).  
But he does keep his combat boots to offer himself some comfort.

Connor takes a long shower making sure to condition his hair, and then he blow dries and brushes it out.

It’s the first time in years he’s ever actually tried to look nice.  
He goes downstairs and ignores Cynthia’s usual comments as he takes his meds with some water.  
“Are you... going somewhere today sweetie?” Cynthia asks hesitantly and Connor swallows the lump in his throat.  
“Yeah.”  
He turns to leave and she sighs in disappointment. Zoe scoffs quietly from the living room.  
“...I’ll be back at eight.” Connor murmurs, opening the front door.

And then he’s out, breathing in harder than he ever has before. He wasn’t aware he was holding his breath.

Connor runs his hand through his hair one more time before starting the walk to Violet’s house.  
She lives near the bus stop, which is nearly fifteen minutes away from the Murphy house.

He’ll probably have to sprint a block to be on time, but he knows Violet is probably too busy freaking out over how she looks to notice his tardiness.  
She brushed her teeth three times after she kissed him ‘in case it happened again.’ She had admitted this in the library/computer lab when Connor asked her why she was acting so nervous.

Obviously Connor had to kiss her on the cheek back and joke that the teeth brushing was worth it after all. She relaxed after and almost fell asleep on his shoulder.

Anyways, he was getting off topic.

Connor shows up at Violet’s house fifteen minutes late, and unsurprisingly, she’s not outside waiting for him.

To: Violet from The Incredibles  
Hey  
I’m here

He knocks on the door and hears a door open inside.

From: Violet from The Incredibles  
Coming!!

Hah that’s what she said,

Violet opens the door and smiles at him, obviously trying to hide her excitement and nervousness.  
“Hi.” She says and brushes a strand of hair from her face behind her ear.  
Her hair is pulled back in a loose ponytail and she’s wearing a dark blue v-neck with her usual khakis.  
And, of course, Connor finds it adorable and melts.

Violet’s wardrobe is even more limited than Connor’s, which surprises him.  
“Hey, do you want a jacket? It’ll be cold in the theater.” Connor asks and Violet blinks twice.  
“Oh uh yeah, I should probably- uh,”  
Violet shuts the door in his face and he hears loud tapping and a door swinging out.  
A bang, loud tapping, and then Violet pulls the door back open wearing a black unzipped hoodie.  
“Sorry for slamming the door like that-“  
“It’s fine.” Connor cuts her off with a smile.

Violet smiles back nervously and wipes her hands on her pants.  
“Ready to take the bus like a couple of cheap losers?” Connor asks and Violet laughs. Then she does the fucking cute snort (!!), before taking his hand.  
“Have you seen my house? I was born ready.”

The walk to the bus was shorter than Connor expected and then they’re on their way to the three dollar movie theater in town.  
Connor had ‘borrowed’ money for their date from his mom’s purse and it still wasn’t enough for the expensive ass arc light near his house.  
He apologized profusely before Violet took his hands and make him look at her.  
“Dude... I don’t need to be pampered. I just w-want to spend time with you.”  
She got a lot of kisses that day from yours truly.

During the bus ride, it turns a corner sharply and Connor slides down the seat and accidentally presses up against Violet’s side.  
She cracks up and wiggles her arm under his to keep him there.  
Connor relishes in the closeness and leans into her side more, but if it bothers her she doesn’t say anything.

The theater is (unsurprisingly) pretty empty when they arrive.  
Connor buys the tickets before Violet can even think about asking to pay for her own, and they slip into theater three for ‘Now You See Me.’ It had actually come out a while ago, but because the theater was cheaper, newer stuff is released much later.  
Connor couldn’t care less about it but Violet seemed really excited when he read the showings to her.

She has an acute attraction to magic, she claimed it was 5th on her list, and the idea of magicians pulling off heists got her interested.

Connor didn’t know why she liked it so much but he couldn’t really cut it down in any way when she started rambling in excitement.

It’s about midway into the movie when Violet accidentally hits her cup.  
It comes out of the cup holder and the ice cold soda spills into Connor’s lap.  
He jerks up and someone shushes him but he couldn’t care less because _there was fucking ice in his lap-_

He scrambles to the bathroom and uses all the paper towels to dry himself off before he freezes to death.

After he’s mostly dry and less sticky, he comes out and almost crashes into Violet, who’s waiting by the bathroom with a sad/scared look on her face.

“I’m so sorry I knocked my drink over I didn’t mean to, I mean obviously I would never do that on purpose I was trying to hold your hand and m-my hand slipped and took the cap off I’m sorry,”  
Connor’s speechless at the rambled apologies and wonders how to handle the situation.

“It’s fine V, I know you didn’t mean to. If you’re up for it we can go back in and try that a second time? Preferably with less ice down my pants?” Connor laughs, trying to calm her down and lighten the mood, and Violet bites at her lip.  
“You’re not mad?”  
“Never. Let’s go so we can hold hands in the theater, nerd.”  
Violet swallows and smiles.  
“Y-you’re the nerd.”  
“Sure I am.”

The divider between them is pushed up in favor of sitting closer and Violet twines their fingers with a nervous smile and deep blush.  
Connor squeezes her hand every once in a while and gets butterflies when she squeezes back.

_God, he really is stupidly in love..._


	23. A Prince and A Princess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Are you going to walk your princess to class or do I have to find another prince?”  
> Violet’s heart jumps at being called a prince and she hastily wipes her hand on her pants.  
> Then she takes it and Connor laces their fingers and squeezes lightly.  
> “C’mon I have History first and I’m not walking alone.”

After 2 months without it you’d think Violet would be glad when it finally arrived.  
Spoiler alert, she fucking wasn’t.

It always manages to wake her up early in the morning too.  
Which meant it was around 4:30 when she was able to stop panicking and get out of bed to get cleaned up. Afterward, it was clear she was losing another pair of underwear to her period. And her sheets. And her pajama pants.

It was weeks like these that made her hate her body most. Violet knew she had strong self hatred, but whenever her period comes around she can’t undress without gagging.

So naturally to distract herself, she stims with a fidget cube. When she was younger, she used o do something similar with pen caps. They were just from normal pens, one from a yellow highlighter and the other from a red felt pen, but playing with them calmed her down. She had them when she was a kid but her dad kept taking them away and hiding them. She would always find them eventually until she lost them for the last time. The day he moved away...

-  
_“Heidi, she can’t just sit there tuning out the world like that! Her teachers will start to think she’s retarded or something,” Dad chuckled like it was all a joke. “You seriously can’t be letting her keep them,”_  
_He was playing it off like it was important and simultaneously no big deal._  
_Mom started screaming at him and Dad clenched his fists, bending the highlighter._  
_Violet didn’t get much sleep that night, and in the days that followed she was restless and uncomfortable._  
-

Because he took them away she could usually survive without stimming too much but then there were days like today.

She doesn’t know how long she sat there on her bed, drowning out the world, but the sun starts rising, so she drags out her computer.  
She opens google docs and gets ready to spill everything into this letter when her hands hesitate over the keyboard.  
Mom would cry again if she wrote the truth. Little white lies wouldn’t hurt every now and then right?

Dear Violet Hansen,  
Today is going to be an amazing day and here’s why, Connor is your best friend now and you’ll probably sit with him at lunch instead of the library like usual. Today you have Chem, where you’re doing a lab, English, with Connor, and Tech, where you will program a game! Summer’s coming up too, and this year you’re old enough to apply at the park as a ranger.  
Maybe this year hasn’t been so bad after all.  
Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend, Me.

It did make her feel a little better. It successfully made her think about Connor and her classes instead of how gross and wrong she feels.

But she’d never admit it out loud.

Mom knocks on her door, and shuffles in front of it awkwardly.  
“Honey? Can I come in?”  
“S-sure mom.”  
Mom kind of bursts in and her face stretches into a bright smile.  
“Are you writing your letter?”  
Violet nods silently and clicks save on the document.  
“I just finished it.” She murmurs and Mom sits down on her bed with her.  
Before she knows it, she’s wrapped up in a tight hug.  
“I’m so proud of you,” Her voice is all choked up and Violet feels her arm brush her back, moving to wipe her face.

A sense of calm falls over Violet like a blanket and she lets the hug drag on.  
“Okay,” She murmurs, letting go and sitting up. Her hands stay on her shoulders. “Are you ready to go?”

Violet nods and grabs her computer case, slipping her laptop inside and zipping it up.  
“I’ll see you at the car okay?”  
Mom does a half jog/half walk out and down the hall.  
The door opens and shuts and Violet grabs her backpack and her meds.  
She takes it with water this time and pulls her hair back into a bun to keep it out of her face.  
Her oily pimply face.  
Gross.

The car ride isn’t as awkward as usual until Mom asks if she needs any ‘stuff.’  
“What?”  
“Do you need any, feminine stuff?”  
She’s confused until she remembers her cycle is on the fridge.  
“No.” She chews on her cheek idly and reminds herself to take that down.  
It’s embarrassing that her mom and any guests at the house would be able to know when she’s bleeding.

Mom drops her off a little ways away from the entrance and Violet blinks at where she stopped.  
“Mom, we’re not at school yet.”  
“I just figured... you might be embarrassed getting dropped off at the front. Y’know kids these days,”  
Violet shakes her head and turns to her.  
Mom is gripping the wheel tightly and her eyes look a little misty.  
“I’m not embarrassed to be seen with you Mom.”  
She swallows hard and chuckles quietly.  
“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m so emotional,”

Violet hands her a tissue from the cup holder and she thanks her quietly.  
“You’re just getting so old now, in two years you’re going to be in college.”  
She smiles weakly and starts to drive again.  
“Mom it’s not like I’m going to disappear.” Violet offers quietly and she leans in and plants a kiss to her forehead.  
“I’d hope not, see you tonight okay? And, I can’t believe I even have to say this, no more skipping with Connor. You have a GPA to maintain.” Mom laughs and Violet opens the door, grabbing her bag and slinging it over her shoulder.

Violet waves and smiles at her, without half assing it this time, and turns to head into the school.  
Paranoia starts to claw at the back of her mind and she tries to disregard it to look for Connor instead.  
Through the sea of students, she sees his brown tangled curls that have successfully grown past his ears first. He was so proud when he could pull it into a tiny ponytail that he almost cried.  
Then she catches a glimpse of the denim jacket with gold and brown marks. The same dirty jacket that he admitted he wished he brought on their date.  
And then his boots. The worn grey combat boots with the hole in the heel. The only shoes he has that aren’t completely destroyed because his dad has problems with buying new clothes.

_Not that she paid that much attention, that would be creepy._

Violet pushes through the crowd and weaves through, trying her hardest to get smaller so she doesn’t inconvenience anyone.  
She gets glared at a couple times but then she’s at Connor’s side.  
He’s moving his books around in his locker, deep in thought when she cracks her knuckles.

Connor Murphy, honest to god, yelps and jumps up a little bit.  
Then his eyes flick down and he scowls in annoyance.  
“You little shit!”  
Violet’s heart races and she feels her palms get clammy and gross.  
“Sorry.” She mutters quickly and Connor rolls his eyes.  
“Next time just say something dumbass.” Connor’s tone is kind of, sweet? Like an endearment.  
He reaches his hand out at his side toward her.  
“Are you going to walk your princess to class or do I have to find another prince?”  
Violet’s heart jumps at being called a prince and she hastily wipes her hand on her pants.  
Then she takes it and Connor laces their fingers and squeezes lightly.  
“C’mon I have History first and I’m not walking alone.”  
Then Connor does that little half smile that makes Violet’s heart melt. It’s so sweet and perfect, and she wished she saw it more. She was especially grateful for it now, it’s a nice change from sulking in the cramped hallway alone with a messy pad between her legs.

She’s not bleeding any less, but this time she’s not suffering alone.


	24. Mario and Mood swings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Violet reintroduces Connor to Heidi as her boyfriend and Connor is a little taken off guard. He normally wouldn’t mind it if it was so awkward after she told her but awkward has become their always at this point.

Connor knows Violet doesn’t like confrontation.  
He also knows she’ll worry about even the thought of it for weeks.

So the thought that Violet would want to tell her mom they were dating never crossed his mind.

But here he is, getting a short introduction as her boyfriend in their kitchen.  
Heidi’s eyes light up and she smiles widely. Violet wipes her hands on her khakis, showing signs of nervousness.  
“That’s great! How long have you been dating?”  
Connor blanks. Wow. He can’t even remember when they started...  
“Oh uh like a little more than a week.” Violet murmurs and Heidi hugs them both.  
It’s awkward but warm and safe.  
So Connor doesn’t make a move to pull away.  
“I knew there was something going on, keep the door open okay?”

Connor flushes and nods. Heidi lets go of them and goes back to studying, muttering to herself.  
Violet takes Connor’s hand and gently pulls him down the hall.  
She leaves the door open, like her mom asked and sits on her bed.  
Connor actually takes his time to observe the clashing decor in her room.  
There are glow stars on the ceiling, barbies in a box by the bed, a ninja turtle nightlight, comic books peeking out on her bookshelf and school work scattered on her desk.  
Her walls are all light blue except one, that has a sunset painted on it.  
Her bed is pink and purple, which is odd compared to her blue everything else.

“What do you want to do?” Violet asks awkwardly and Connor shrugs.  
“What’s that?” He points to the box looking tv in the corner with wires attached.  
Violet blushes and rolls her shoulders back awkwardly.  
“When I was younger my childhood friend moved away, so his parents dropped off his tv and video games.”

“Does it still work?”

-

Heidi hears some shouting and goes up to check on them. The door’s open, like she asked, and she peeks inside.  
Connor is clicking his controller frantically and Violet is laughing at him.  
“What the fuck?!?” Connor shrieks when his car is pushed out of the way by Violet’s player. “You asshole!” He hisses and Violet snorts, swerving out of his way.  
Heidi smiles and closes the door a little bit so she can study quietly.

-

“Why!” Connor pouts when Violet comes in first place for the fifth time.  
“Connor, don’t be a sore loser.” She teases and starts a new game.  
“You couldn’t let me win once?” Connor sets the controller down to glare at her.  
“I tried, you suck at this game.”  
Connor frowns and leans his head back onto her chest. He crinkles his nose and scoots further down, laying in her lap instead.  
Violet keeps playing and it seems like she’s concentrating, when her hand comes down to thread through his hair.  
Connor quietly purrs and curls up a little bit.  
Violet turns the volume down and twirls his hair around her fingers.  
Connor loves his hair now, it’s almost long enough to reach his shoulders. And Violet seems to like it too, which is a plus.

Connor tucks his legs into his chest and hears a soft sound. He assumes it’s from the tv and pushes his head up into Violet’s hand lightly.  
“You’re like a cat.” She mumbles and Connor blushes.  
He doesn’t try to deny it, because all the facts go against him.  
“A big cuddly cat that hisses at people.” Violet hums and scratches his ear.  
Connor desperately tries not to melt into the touch but it’s too late. He’s already putty in her lap.

Eventually Violet turns the tv off and starts to play with his hair, twisting and curling it around her fingers. Connor feels her tug gently and he swallows hard. His face gets hot and Violet tugs again, twisting them in a pattern. Connor idly thinks she must be braiding it but he’s too busy trying to relax. 

“Can you not tug my hair?” He blurts and Violet startles and pulls away, looking a little scared beneath the shock.  
“D-Did I hurt you?” She asks and searches Connor’s face for any signs of pain.  
Connor doesn’t know whether to tell the truth or lie and say yes. Lying would cause a panic attack, and the truth would make them both flustered and embarrassed.  
“Uh... just a little bit, it didn’t hurt but it was making me uncomfortable...”  
Violet’s hands lay in her lap and she starts to fidget, seemingly frustrated.  
“Sorry.” She mutters quietly and Connor realizes this was the wrong way to go.

She looks like she’s close to tears, and she’s starting to curl up into a ball.  
“Hey wait I- what’s wrong?” Connor sits up and Violet swallows hard, obviously trying not to cry in front of him.  
“I’m sorry.” She whimpers and Connor wants to wrap her up in a blanket and give her whatever she wants.  
“No no it’s okay, don’t be sorry. What’s wrong?”

_You’re a shitty boyfriend. You’ve been dating, what a week? And you’re already fucking up._

Connor tries to ignore the voice in the back of his head and takes Violet’s hands.  
“I’m sorry,” The tears are falling freely now and she’s biting her lip so hard that it’s a little bloody.  
“It’s okay,” Connor tries desperately and squeezes her hands.  
“I don’t know why I’m crying I’m sorry,”  
Connor doesn’t want to believe that.  
Violet rubs her eyes and tries to breathe.  
“Hey you could keep playing with my hair? I don’t mind really, it’s fine if you want to.”  
Violet shakes her head and Connor doesn’t know what to do.  
He’s never had a friend or a girlfriend before, much less have one burst into tears without a reason.

Connor gently pulls her into a hug and Violet returns it gratefully.

Her hiccups and sobs did down after a minute or two and she flushes.  
“Sorry... sometimes I just get too worked up.” She apologizes and Connor lets her this time.  
“It’s fine.”  
Connor can’t judge mood swings, he’s had them and took them out on Violet too many times.  
“Do you wanna keep playing the game?”  
Violet shakes her head and tugs him closer, wrapping her legs around his waist.

Violet’s fingers thread back through Connor’s curls gently, and she pulls the braid apart.  
“Do you feel a little better?” Connor asks and Violet nods weakly.

She lays against him and lets her eyes shut.  
The pounding and the noise in Connor’s head quiets down. He’s greeted with silence for the first time in years and he stares down at the blonde in his lap.

Violet seems to fall asleep, her breathing levels and her eyes aren’t forcefully closed anymore.  
Connor feels something warm in his chest and shimmies down to lay against the side of her bed. 

Eventually his lack of sleep gets to him and he shuts his eyes, resting his chin on top of her head.

...

Connor’s woken up by the breeze coming in from Violet’s open window and he moves to rub his eyes. His arms jolt against Violet’s chest and Connor flushes when he remembers.  
She’s pinning him down with all of her body weight, and the next thing he notices is how cold his legs are and how his denim pants are stiff.  
She starts to stir a little bit and Connor feels her eyelashes brush his neck.  
She wakes up slowly and when she sits up, she observes how he’s sitting ramrod straight.  
“We fell asleep on the floor?” She mumbles and Connor nods.  
“You can go back to sleep.” He suggests and Violet yawns with a slight frown.  
“Nah.”  
She ends up drifting off anyway.

Connor stands up with her in his arms and sets her down in bed. He tucks her in lightly and then finds a heavy blanket beneath her bed, which he wraps around her.  
He’s about to make a bed on the carpet when Violet reaches her arms out and makes a weird whine.

She clenches her fingers and tries to get up.  
Connor relents and goes over to her, trying to figure out what she wants when she tugs him down by his neck.

Connor ends up wrapped in her blankets with her, pressed up against the wall with a sleeping Violet drooling on his shirt.


	25. Dinner Parties with a side of Dysphoria

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Violet doesn’t know where she went wrong. One moment, they’re just making small talk, and then Connor’s aunt (who she thinks is slightly tipsy) starts hounding her about looking more ladylike.  
> “I mean, if you just wore a dress, you’d look beautiful.”

Violet lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding as the bell rings throughout the school.  
Sophomore year is finally over.

All the homework, tests, ridicule, and group projects, finally paid off. She wouldn’t have to speak to another person for the next few months if she didn’t want to.

Obviously she’s going to hang out with Connor, because he isn’t unpredictable like everyone else.

She tells him as much when they’re laying on her floor, too sweaty to move in the summer heat and Connor scoffs.  
“You don’t know shit about me, Hansen.”  
Connor has his hair pulled up in a small bun and there’s a freckle behind his ear Violet didn’t notice before.  
“I know that you’re allergic to cats, but you have one, I know that Zoe named her and you’re bitter about it because you feel like she takes everything from you, and I know that your relationship with your family is extremely strained.”  
Connor flushes in anger and embarrassment.  
“Who told you I don’t like my parents?”  
“You did. With your actions.”

Connor grumbles and leans his forehead on her shoulder.  
“Am I that really that see-through?”  
“To me you are. To everyone else you’re a mysterious brooding boy.”  
Connor laughs weakly and tries to snuggles closer even though our skin sticks together uncomfortably.

Violet is reminded of what she’d wanted to bring up a couple days ago and nibbles at her bottom lip.  
“Sp-Speaking of family... I uh,”  
“Yeah?” Connor mutters disinterestedly.  
“I wanted to...” Violet’s vision blurs slightly and she takes a deep breath. “I wanted to meet your family. For dinner. Not as your girlfriend! I mean unless you were fine with that, then I’d love to be introduced but you’ve had dinner with my mom and I’ve only seen Zoe once and”  
“Vi.” Connor interrupts quietly and Violet sucks in another breath. “It’s... fine. You can come over for dinner.”

Connor fiddles with his shirt and sighs through his nose.  
“I just didn’t want you to see how I act around them. It gets aggressive in the Murphy household... I thought it would scare you off.”

Violet smiles and feels her cheeks warm. So it wasn’t because she wasn’t fit to meet his parents, it was because Connor was scared of losing her.  
“I’m used to uh, yelling in the house if that’s what you mean. And besides, nothing could scare me away at this point.”

Connor smiles back and takes her hand, poking the freckles on her knuckles.  
“I’ll ask Cynthia about it, I’m gonna warn you now, she’ll ask a shit ton of questions and Larry won’t ask enough.”  
Violet laughs weakly and hears a crack sound.  
She looks down and Connor’s cracking every knuckle on his hand, going back and forth.  
“Hey,” She takes his hand and squeezes it gently. “I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

Connor flushes and squeezes back, picking at his arm with his other hand.  
“I promise it’ll be fine Con, and if it isn’t, we can go to McDonald’s a-and eat greasy food.”  
Connor smiles softly and stops digging his nails into his cuts.  
“I’d like that.”

...

Violet fiddles with the collar on her pastel blue polo shirt, trying to make sure it’s been ironed down enough. She wanted to make a good first impression at the party Ms. Murphy was throwing.  
Connor apologized profusely ‘in advance’ for forcing her to go, he claimed Cynthia was over excited and asked if Violet could go to the party she had already planned instead.

So Violet was a little bit of a mess, trying to memorize greetings and pleasantries incase she had to talk to one of Connor’s random relatives.  
Connor is waiting outside her door and Violet smoothes out her jeans, making sure there aren’t any weird stains on them. She pulls on her tennis shoes and looks over herself again, before pulling a loose zip up grey jacket to hide her chest.  
It just... looks wrong out like that.

She comes out and Connor sighs through his nose, blushing slightly.  
“God my mom is gonna love you, let’s go.”  
Violet smiles weakly and takes Connor’s hand, following him through the house.  
She locks the door on the way out and they start to walk toward Connor’s house.

_Shit she forget they were walking. What if when they get there Violet’s sweaty? What if she’s got pit stains when she shows up?_

“It’s gonna be fine. My parents will love you just for existing” Connor mumbles and squeezes her hand. Violet squeezes back and shuffles closer, lightly bumping her shoulder against him.  
They arrive, only slightly sweaty from the walk and Connor opens the door.  
They’re greeted with a large group of people, and Cynthia rushes over to smile and shake Violet’s hand.  
“It’s nice to finally meet you honey. You’re all Connor talks about really,”  
Violet flushes and Connor huffs quietly.

Cynthia talks about everything from school to how she knows Connor, (to which Connor blurted that he’s allowed to make friends of his own volition) and eventually she leaves them alone.  
The amount of people here makes Violet’s chest get tight and her throat close up.  
Everything is overwhelming from the noise to the crowd.

“Hey are you okay?” Connor asks quietly and Violet swallows a little bit. “She didn’t freak you out too much did she?”  
Violet shakes her head and Connor carefully takes her hand, leading her to his room. “I’m sorry that the music is so loud...” Connor’s door has a ‘stay out’ sign on it, and his hand is kinda shaky while he opens it.  
Violet shrugs and once the door is shut, she gives him a tight hug, resting her head on his shoulder.  
“I hate parties.”  
“Yeah, me too.”

Connor sighs and pulls her close.  
“My room is kinda gross, don’t be mad.”  
“Why would I be mad? Like you said, you’re a teenage boy after all.”  
Connor lets go of her and blushes awkwardly.

Violet stares.  
The room looks like a tornado flew through it. There’s a stolen street sign with his name on it above his mirror, a record player beside his bookcase, a blue twin bed with rumbled sheets and the duvet on the ground, and-  
“Is that Flower?” She asks a little too loudly in excitement, but Connor’s face softens.  
The gold and white cat is stretched along the bed and Violet rushes over to her, sitting gently beside her while she stretches.  
“I love her,” Violet murmurs softly and Connor chuckles under his breath.  
“Yeah, she’s a charmer.”

Violet reaches forward to pet her and Connor carefully takes her hand.  
“Wait, She might bite you.”  
He scratches beneath Flower’s chin and the kitten starts to purr, blinking open her grey/blue eyes at Connor.  
“Hey kitty,” He murmurs and she gets louder, rubbing her face against his hand.  
After a few seconds Connor picks her up gently, she flops in his arms, and sets her in Violet’s lap, where she curls up.  
“Oh my god Vi, are you crying?”  
“I love her so much,” Violet whispers and weakly scrubs at the tears in her eyes.  
“God you’re a dork.”

They sit there until Violet gets thirsty. (Not horny you nasties) She hasn’t had any water since this morning, so she reluctantly pulls Flower off her lap. The gold cat simply rolls over and starts to chew on the ends of Connor’s hair.  
Connor opens one eye and looks up at Violet.  
“Do you need me to come with you?” He asks and Violet shakes her head, fumbling with her hoodie strings.  
“I think I’ll be fine. I’m only getting water.”  
Connor nods quietly and shuts his eyes again, scratching at Flower’s stomach.  
“Don’t die.”  
“I don’t plan on it,” Violet says back and Connor snorts.  
“Thank god.” He murmurs beneath his breath, “Hurry back,”  
Violet leaves and after a quick but awkward chat with Larry, Connor’s dad, she finds the kitchen. There’s a cooler full of water bottles and soda for what she presumes are Connor’s young cousins.  
She takes out a bottle and then someone’s beside her.  
“Hey you’re Connor’s friend!” The woman says with a smile and Violet blushes, fiddling with the label on the water bottle.  
“I’m his aunt,” She sticks out a hand and Violet quietly returns the handshake.  
“Nice to meet you.”

Violet doesn’t know where she went wrong. One moment, they’re just making small talk, and then Connor’s aunt (who she thinks is slightly tipsy) starts hounding her about looking more ladylike.  
“I mean, if you just wore a dress, you’d look beautiful.”  
Violet takes the backhanded compliment quietly.  
“Tell you what, I’ll ask Zoe to borrow one of her dresses, and if you wear it tonight, I’ll give you twenty dollars.”  
Violet’s heart stops.  
Bribery?  
Just to wear a dress?

Violet doesn’t say anything, and Connor’s aunt takes that as a yes.  
She comes back down with a black and white striped sleeveless dress. Violet protectively tugs her sweatshirt over her chest.

She gives her the dress, and the money.  
Violet’s shaking as she pulls it on, staring at herself in the mirror.  
She’s always hated being chubby, but something just doesn’t feel right.

Something is wrong.

Violet pulls her jacket on over it, and when she goes to show his aunt, she calls Cynthia over and starts to make conversation about how much prettier Violet is now and

_no no no No No No NO NO NO NO_

“Claire, she doesn’t need clothes and makeup to be pretty,” Cynthia chuckles awkwardly. “Violet’s already naturally beautiful.”  
“Well she could be artificially great!” Claire exclaims and Violet wants to throw up. The second Claire and Cynthia aren’t paying attention, Violet dashes toward the bathroom.  
She locks the door and fumbles to get the dress off, fighting back tears.

_Something’s wrong,_

Violet tugs at her hair in frustration and pulls her jeans and t-shirt back on. No matter how many times she tries to fix it everything looks _WRONG WRONG WRONG_.  
Violet stuffs the money in her phone case and drops her phone down in front of her.  
She hunches over the toilet, expecting to throw up, but nothing happens.  
Violet chokes back tears and grabs her water bottle, the only thing she was supposed to get, and drinks half of it.

Her breathing has calmed down a bit, but the more she looks at the mirror, the more she realizes how much she hates her body. How sad it makes her.  
There’s a knock at the door and Violet covers her mouth, no no no  
“Violet?”  
Connor’s muffled voice through the door is heaven to Violet’s ears.  
She, they? They open the door and collapse into Connor’s arms.  
“Woah, Vi what’s wrong? Did something happen?”  
Violet pulls at his jacket and just cries into his shirt, completely done with words.  
“Do you want to go back upstairs or stay here?”  
Violet swallows and points upstairs.  
Connor steers them away from the living room, where Violet can hear Claire’s voice, and heads up the stairs.  
Violet’s never been happier to see that beaten up door. 

Connor opens it and Flower is meowing in front of it. Connor gently pushes her away with his foot and Flower nips his ankle.  
“Are you okay?” Connor asks and Violet slides to the ground.  
He takes that as a no.  
Violet starts to pet Flower and the kitten mews, cuddling up to them.

Connor leans down and gently wraps his arms around their waist, putting his legs around theirs. “What happened?” Connor asks in a much softer tone and Violet swallows, leaning back against his chest.  
They can feel his ribs gently poke them and they sigh through their nose, wishing they could be like that.  
“Your aunt Claire bribed me to wear a dress.” Violet murmurs weakly and Connor frowns.  
“And that upset you?”  
Violet nods and Connor lays his arms beneath Violet’s chest. Violet gently pushes them down until they rest on their hips.  
“It made me feel gross a-and wrong.”  
Connor nods quietly and rubs his cheek into their hair. They can hear him thinking, and they can tell he’s getting angry.  
He’s picking at his knuckles and they can feel him clicking his jaw.  
At who, they don’t know.   
They hope it’s not at them.

“I don’t want my family around you anymore.” Connor huffs softly, his breath tickling their neck. “They’re all assholes as far as I’m concerned, and they don’t deserve to talk to you.”  
Violet agrees with this for now.  
Truthfully, they didn’t want to go to another one of Connor’s family functions for a long time.  
Violet tugs at their hoodie strings, pulling one out very far and twining it around their fingers.  
“Do you want to get out of here?” Connor asks and Violet’s eyes widen.  
Their chest starts to ache and their breathing picks up at the thought of outside.  
They shake their head and Connor nods, leaning his cheek against them.

Flower sniffs Violet’s hand and then rubs her cheek against it, mewing softly.  
Violet pets her behind the ears and Flower sits against their leg, rubbing her ear against it. The sun is setting outside Connor’s window and his room is illuminated gold.

_And everything’s okay,_


	26. Comfort and Kicking her out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor’s had it with his family. He hates how they can’t act normal for two seconds and that in every argument, he’s the psycho. Maybe if he had a better family and personality people would want to stay longer.

Violet stays in his lap until the sun sets, curling her fingers into Connor’s jacket.  
“I have to go soon.” Violet murmurs quietly and Connor looks outside, examining the dark streets nervously.  
“I don’t really want you to walk home.”  
Violet shrugs and curls up, shivering a little bit. Connor strips off his jacket and wraps it around Violet hesitantly. He’s had that jacket for a long time, and it’s become his second skin.  
He hopes it comforts her a little and gently nudges her shoulder.  
“Do you wanna lay down?”  
Violet nods and Connor picks her up, laying her down on the bed.  
“Wanna borrow some pajamas?”   
Violet nods and Connor passes her a shirt and some shorts, leaving to let her get changed.

After Violet falls asleep, Connor approaches his Aunt Claire.  
“Hey what the fuck was that?” Connor says loudly, gaining attention from some of his younger cousins and Larry’s friends.  
“I don’t know what you mean.” Aunt Claire takes a slow sip from her glass and Connor just barely stops himself from smacking it out of her hand.  
“Forcing Violet to wear a dress? Where the fuck did you get that _genius_ idea huh?”  
Aunt Claire shrugs.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Connor, besides you shouldn’t talk to me like that.”  
“Like what.” Connor growls. She hates how nonchalant she’s being.  
Like she’s trying to make him seem crazy in front of his family. But Cynthia and Larry haven’t moved to stop him.  
Aunt Claire stands and glares at him. “You shouldn’t talk to me like that Connor,” She slams her glass down on the table. Clear liquid spills onto the polished wood. “It’s rude and disrespectful.”  
Connor scowls and his hands are shaking with restraint.  
“Fuck you! You made Violet cry!”  
Aunt Claire makes an absolutely disgusting face.  
“Who cares? She was a slut anyway!”

Connor feels like a ice cold hand reached in and pulled his heart out of his chest.  
“Get out.” Connor says lowly and Aunt Claire laughs humorlessly.  
“This isn’t your party-“  
“Claire I think you should go.” Cynthia comes up behind her and murmurs this softly. Larry’s protectively beside Cynthia, as if he’s expecting Cynthia’s step sister to lash out and attack her.  
Aunt Claire looks around the room and quickly realizes slut shaming a teenage girl probably wasn’t the best idea.

She scoffs and grabs her purse.  
“This party was fucking boring anyway.”  
She slams the door behind her and Connor wants to scream.  
He wants to pull his hair and break things and-  
Cynthia’s staring at him.  
“I’m sorry she said that about Violet honey... She’s a very lovely girl.”  
Connor never accepts second hand apology, but some of his anger leaks from his body. Then Cynthia rushes over to wipe the table, sighing at the mark the cold glass left.

He heads outside, itching to smoke. He hasn’t gotten high in a while, and the noise in the house just picked up.  
Connor pulls a bag of weed from his pocket and quickly rolls a joint in his lap. He lights it, nearly burning his thumb, and inhales smoothly, feeling the smoke steadily fill his lungs.  
He’s already halfway done with it when someone opens the sliding glass door to the backyard.

Someone sits beside him and Connor glances over after another long drag.  
It’s Zoe, who’s making a face at the smell of the weed.  
“Hey, I’m sorry about uh... Violet and stuff. I know you like her.”  
Connor shrugs and picks at the sleeve of his jacket.  
“Yeah well,”

It’s silent for a long moment.  
“Do you want a popsicle?”  
Connor suddenly notices the familiar white bags in her hands, standing out in the dark. Two of them to be exact.  
“Sure,”

She chucks one of the popsicles at him and Connor sets the joint down in his ash tray, popping it open gratefully.  
Zoe bites directly into her ice cream and Connor cringes.  
“Dad’s gonna be pissed when he sees how long your hair’s gotten.” She comments and Connor licks the half melted fudgesicle.  
“Good.” He says dryly and Zoe laughs quietly.

She leans back on her elbows and is pointedly looking at the joint in the ash tray.  
“Does weed taste good?”  
Connor tries to catch the half of the popsicle before it drops.  
“No.”  
“Does it hurt your lungs?”  
“Sometimes. Only if you cough a lot.”  
“Then why do you do it?”

Connor shrugs. He wants to say ‘to quiet the noise in his head’ but it seems too dramatic to say in front of Zoe.  
“The high is a good distraction.”  
Yeah that’s vague enough.  
Zoe hums and sets the popsicle stick back into the wrapper.  
“What, do you want to try it?”  
Zoe makes a weird face. Like she’s trying to look disgusted.  
“No!”  
“Okay,”

Another long moment of silence and Connor picks the blunt back up, relighting it.  
He didn’t bother asking if she minded. He was out here first after all, if she didn’t like it, she could leave.  
“What’s the high like?”  
“Calm mostly.”  
He exhales quietly.

Connor smokes the cigarette until it’s a tiny stub, and then he grinds it down into the tray, shoving the bag of weed back into his pocket.  
“Did you come here to cheer me up?”  
Zoe blushes and looks away.  
“Aunt Claire is a bitch. I’d be a shitty sister if I didn’t check on you.”  
She’s still hesitant. Connor noticed she’s angled toward the door, ready to run out if necessary.

He’s not surprised. He wouldn’t feel safe with someone who said they’d kill him either.

Still, it stings. He doesn’t know why he acts so fucking...  
Crazy.  
He doesn’t want his family to hate him, he doesn’t want his parents to think he’s a freak and he doesn’t want Zoe to be scared he’s going to hurt her.  
But he can’t blame them.

“Well,” She says quietly and stands, leaving him outside. “See you tomorrow.”  
Connor nods and heads inside as well, taking a short moment to stare at the stars.

He opens the door to his room and Violet has all the blankets curled around her in a burrito shape.  
He debates on sleeping on the floor or the couch before deciding to nudge her lightly. Connor and Violet cuddle all the time so it shouldn’t bother her, right?  
“Can I sleep in here?” Connor asks and Violet blearily opens her eyes, blinking blond strands of hair away from her face.  
“Hm?”  
Connor gently nudges her again.  
“Can you scoot?”  
Violet flushes and moves all the way against the wall dropping the covers.  
“Sorry I just- I took them all that was selfish of me-“  
Connor shushes her quietly and goes to change his jeans for pajama pants in his closet.  
He idly notices the paint on his nails is chipped again and makes a note to touch them up later.

Violet squeezes herself into a tight ball in the corner of Connor’s bed and,

That just won’t do.  
He gets on the mattress and wraps his arms around her waist.  
“Cuddle?” He asks quietly and Violet flushes, scooting closer to wrap her thighs around his waist. Connor sets his hands at the small of her back and under her waist, loving how much she’s warmed his bed. Connor snuggles under the blankets and Violet makes a soft noise beneath her breath, trying to curl up a little bit.

“Goodnight.” Violet murmurs and Connor tucks his face into her neck.  
“Night.”


	27. I’m sorry everyone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This fic doesn’t really make me happy anymore :/ I have more ideas but they’re probably gonna be one shots or 5-7 chapters

I am completely lacking in motivation for this fic :( I’m sorry to say I won’t be completing this, and I probably won’t pick it back up. I may write a story from when they meet Jared but I feel like I’m not doing Evan and Connor any justice. Especially Connor and his BPD. I’ve made him too soft and Evan not anxious enough for someone with GAD so, I won’t finish this. I may also write shorts from this verse, but I’m not really sure of that. Multichaptered fics make it really hard to stay organized and it’s difficult to update when I keep going back and forth between chapters!! :(  
Sorry

\- Evan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading when I was writing it! I’m sorry for not ending it but you all know the ending anyway. If you want me to post what my original plans were, comment on this chapter

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Let me know what you thought of this chapter and hmu on my blog if you have questions about this au or what TBNB is.  
> @buddy-you-and-i-fic


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